Introduction and Overview
I'm glad to be joining you as we do this course on a father's place. As a father myself, I've seen the importance over the years of father engagement. Having worked with fathers full-time for the past 29 years, I've pooled the information together that you'll see today. It will explain the ways that fathers enrich the lives of their families, their children, and the mother of their children.
Culturally, mothering behavior typically occurs in one of two situations: when the woman first determines that she is pregnant or when the baby is delivered. In most cultures, that's when a mom really feels fulfilled that she is now a mother. Across cultures, there is a much broader range for when a man has a clearly identifiable initiation as a father. It isn't necessarily when he hears that the mother of his child is pregnant, or necessarily at the delivery (although, being present at the delivery in support of the mother can be one of the touchstones that promote father engagement).
Meaning of Father Involvement
When we look at father involvement, there are many ways that we can review what his contributions are. Dads are an economic provider. In households where fathers are present, there tend to be lower levels of poverty than when fathers are not present. Fathers play the role of a companion and playmate to his children. He offers a paternal viewpoint of caring for his child. Paternal instincts are different from maternal instincts, and how he interacts with the child is different than how the mother does. He is the teacher and the male role model. Most often, the father is the first and most significant male role model in the life of the child, and if that is the situation, he is then helping that child form their ideas of what it means to be a man in the household. Fathers are monitors and disciplinarians. They are seen as a protector. In masculine ways, fathers protect their children from outside influences or any activities or threats that could be seen as dangerous toward his family. A father is an advocate, and he has unique resources to provide to his children, such as ideas, suggestions, viewpoints, and world views.
What Fathers Need
If you're working with fathers, there are three general things that they need. They need the expectation that the father is involved. This is both on the part of the system and a part of the family themselves. The system expects the father to be involved, the Family Service Agency, the Head Start Program, the whatever agency is providing these services, we expect that father will be involved. Fathers also will need opportunity. We need to provide opportunities for fathers themselves to be involved, to be engaged, to receive services, and to be present in the household. Finally, they need encouragement. Some fathers know exactly what role they're going to play. Typically, they come from a family where Dad was a positive role model and the young man growing up to be the father knows what his role is to be. Other young men may not have had that healthy male role model, and so, they're going to need encouragement to step up, to be there for their children and to be there for the mother of their children. When we have the expectation, opportunities, and encouragement, it's much more likely that fathers will be engaged in the early development of their children.
As early childhood educators, what can we do to promote occasions for these three conditions for fathers to be more fully engaged, not only with our program but also with their families? Also, how might fathers increase their chances to become available? What do fathers themselves need as far as support and encouragement in your community, in your agency, in your neighborhood, to become more fully engaged?
I'd like us to pause and watch this four-minute video by Dr. Kyle Pruett. He is an expert on family development and father involvement.
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKZMPRv_ZIU&t=1s
As Dr. Pruett says, fathers can significantly influence children in ways that are different from mothers. Also, wise mothers support father engagement, just as wise fathers promote mother engagement. Dr. Pruett points out one distinction, stating that "fathers don't mother." Mothers have their own way of raising their children, just as fathers have their own way. Kids want to know more about what fathers' likes and dislikes are. How do we encourage fathers themselves to sit down with their children at age-appropriate levels and talk to their children about what messages they want to pass on to them about who they are, and what their hopes are for their children?
In his video, Dr. Pruett also makes reference to oxytocin increase (the bonding hormone). When babies are born, a father's oxytocin level increases, making them "junkies" for their children. We want to encourage fathers to have the opportunity to bond with their child at birth or shortly after birth and inform fathers and mothers about how this early bonding might result in even more bonding opportunities throughout their child's life.
Paternal Instincts
There are two significant distinctions between maternal instincts and paternal instincts. First, fathers tend to use their bodies more when they interact with their young children. Fathers engage more in acts like tossing the baby in the air, tickling, rough-housing, wrestling, and engaging in sports and outdoor activities. That doesn't mean that moms don't care about physical activities. However, when moms interact with their young children (babies, toddlers, and preschoolers), they often use an object from their environments, such as a toy, a game, a book, a doll, or a puzzle. Dads, on the other hand, tend to use their bodies. This tendency of fathers to be more physical is seen across many different cultures.
The second distinction is that when fathers interact with their children, they are hardwired to prepare their children for the future. For example, the mother may use babbling or baby talk to speak to their child, whereas the father wants to encourage the child to use bigger words. This isn't necessarily a conscious decision, but he's pushing them a little bit to get them ready for their future. Another example of how dads prepare their children for the future is during game playing. If a mother is playing a game with their child, she will often let the child win. If the father is playing a game with their child, often the father doesn't let the child win. The paternal instinct is such that he is teaching his son or daughter to be a good loser, because if the child beats dad in a game, then they've actually accomplished something. This focus on the future is just hardwired in engaged fathers.
Another way fathers prepare their children for the future is by instilling impulse control. Healthy fathers are seen as role models to help their daughters and sons regulate their behavior, modeling how to stay calm, how to develop self-soothing skills, and inspiring a good work ethic. Even in families where both mom and dad work outside the home, and even in cases where the mother works more than the father, the children still tend to look more to dad for the work ethic. That work ethic in sons and daughters is often learned from the male in the household. Encouraging mature survival attitudes, fathers focus on the future, whereas moms focus on the present. This offers a great balance for that child to be able to learn from both parents.
The Role of Fathers
Through almost every studied culture, fathers have assumed three primary roles: the protector, the provider, and the disciplinarian. Before we discuss each of these roles, it is important to note that in many two-parent families today, mothers are fulfilling these three roles as much as fathers. Mothers protect their children by strapping them into car seats and buckling seatbelts, monitoring computer usage and assessing the environment for other potential dangers. Mothers provide for their families by working outside the home as much as fathers do. Additionally, today mothers are taking on a more disciplinarian role for their children than in the past, when we used to hear the phrase, "You wait until your father gets home." For the purposes of this course, we are discussing the importance of the father's role in a child's life, but it is important to acknowledge that mothers engage in these roles as well.
Protector. One of the strategies we've used is encouraging fathers to baby-proof or child-proof their home when the mother is expecting. What are the things they can do to prepare the home for the child? That's one of the ways that men can protect their children from dangers inside the household. They can also protect their children from external dangers. This is especially important in communities where there are higher levels of violence, where there is a potential for the child to be exposed to gang activity or crime.
Moms tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their children. Fathers tend to see their children in relation to the rest of the world. Mom's traditional emphasis is that she wants to protect her child from getting hurt by forces from the outside world (e.g., bullies, strangers, mean dogs, accidents, disease). She never wants this to happen to her child. In fathers, their paternal instinct also wants to prevent bad things from happening, but if it could happen, they want to do what they can to prepare their child to cope with these types of dangers. Often, the dads will try to prepare the child to handle external dangers, such as dangerous strangers, mean dogs, lightning, bullies, falls, or accidents. Both of these roles are important for the child. Mom is protecting the child and dad is preparing the child.
Another role of the protector that fathers play is by observing the social environment and knowing the peers and friends of their children. Also, when our children go to another family's home, do we know what is in the home? Do they have firearms in the home? Is it in a safe neighborhood? What do I need to do to protect my child from environments that could cause a threat to them? Fathers also guarantee their child's safety by shaping their environment. In other words, they can look at their surroundings (e.g., the household, the neighborhood, the community) and encourage safe opportunities, as well as remove hazards from the child's path.
Provider. As the role of provider, a father's ability to provide for his family is related to his sense of duty, his sense of identity, and his manhood. Different cultures have different messages about what it means to be a man, a husband, and a father. Many of those cultures see that one of the father's primary roles is that of a provider. That the "real men bring home the bacon," they support their family, they tend the fields or work in the factories, the mines, and the forests. Although the jobs may be dangerous, that is their responsibility as the provider for their family. As I mentioned, in many two-parent households today, fathers are no longer the sole provider, but it still is an important role that fathers fulfill in their families.
Disciplinarian. In preparing their child for the future, fathers often have high expectations. They want their child to succeed, to see what's on the horizon, to aspire to bigger and better things. As such, fathers need to be there to teach their child how to handle their impulses, how to stay calm under stress, and how to deal with situations where they don't endanger themselves or endanger others. In the dominant culture in the United States, many fathers are fulfilling the role of the disciplinarian, but it has to be in a safe and respectful way. It can't be in a violent way, because boys that are raised in homes with violence tend to perpetuate that in their family. Using this role as a disciplinarian is important as the father uses his physical presence and teaches their child how to respond to situations accordingly and appropriately.
Twelve Dimensions of a Father's Impact on Their Children
Next, we're going to look at 12 dimensions of how fathers influence the growth and development of their children. To reiterate, we don't want to diminish the important role that mothers play. That being said, these 12 dimensions are ways that fathers shape their children's expectations of the future, and help to raise children so that they're safe, productive, and respectful.
The twelve dimensions we will cover are as follows:
- First Role Model of Masculinity
- Physiological Development
- Ethical & Moral Development
- Intellectual Development
- Academic Performance
- Emotional Development
- Impulse Control
- Religious/Spiritual Formation
- Cultural Identity
- Role Expectations
- Career Choices
- Guide to the Outside World
First Role Model of Masculinity
In the toddler years, a father plays a significant role in forming gender identity. Gender identity (identifying as boy/male or girl/female) is typically fully developed in children by the time they're three or four years old. I know there are concerns today about children who don't see themselves as fully male or female, but in this situation, we're talking about the father taking on the role of masculine behaviors. How are men supposed to act? What are their values and what are their attitudes? In the preschool years, the dad's presence is crucial in helping the child work through this gender identity, that if I'm a boy, or if I'm a girl, what are my expectations? How do I act? How do I talk?
Think of the typical nicknames or the terms of endearment that staff and parents use for little girls. Some of these include terms like honey, sweetie, cutie, pumpkin, princess, kitten, sugar, sweetie pie. The terms we often use for girls are a little bit different than the nicknames we have for our sons, such as slugger, tiger, tank, bruiser, scooter, bam-bam, big boy, little man. These are culture-specific, and other cultures have different terms that they use. The idea is that the nickname we choose tells the child how they should act and talk. What we expect of a honey, a sweetie, a cutie, a pumpkin, or princess is often different than a scooter, a bruiser, or bam-bam, a big boy, slugger, or tiger. If my daughter is called a tomboy, that's often considered a positive term. If my son is called a sissy, that's often considered a negative term. If my daughter is called a daddy's girl, that's typically a positive concept, if my son is called a momma's boy, that typically indicates that we need to correct that behavior. Gender identity and concepts of masculinity and femininity are shaped at a very young age. As staff and parents, we can have a significant influence on what we expect of their behavior, depending on how they're treated in their early years.
Also falling under the first role of masculinity, dads are the cornerstone to shaping how their children develop relationships with both genders. When an infant is born, they have no concept of self. Newborn babies have no sense that they are distinct from their mothers. In most families, the baby and the mother are very close. When she's feeding the baby, holding and talking to the baby, and changing the diapers, the mother is, in the baby's view, the most significant person in that little one's life. If the father is involved, he's a significant other. He offers an alternative, a second perspective to that infant or that young child. Dad holds the baby differently, he tosses them around, his voice is lower, his five o'clock shadow tickles when he picks the child up. The father's presence offers that significant other. At a very young age, babies start recognizing the distinction between maternal care and paternal care, between the feminine and the masculine. When babies recognize that, then they start seeking that behavior from those parents. While those parents have interacted with that infant or with that young child, that helps fulfill not only the child's needs but also their gender role identity.
Fathers also shape the culturally acceptable behavior of boys and girls. Fathers will often talk to boys about what's acceptable masculine behavior and what isn't, depending on their culture. For instance, their culture may have certain perspectives on what is men's work and women's work, or how they should act in public, or words they should use or not use, or emotions they should share or not share. The father is often one of the most significant individuals that helps that child understand how they should act and speak and behave. They delineate appropriate emotional and physical expressions, especially for boys. Fathers act as the grinding stone upon which his son sharpens his emerging masculinity and the appreciative audience to which his daughter expresses her femininity. When fathers are involved, the children notice, and it shapes their expectations and their behavior.
Physiological Development
Next, dads encourage orientation toward comfort with their bodies through sports and physical play, such as roughhousing, tickling, and wrestling. There are some pheromone studies that have indicated biological connections between dads and kids. Pheromones are the smells that are secreted by hormones in mammals. Those smells affect different children's behavior and different adult's behavior. When a father continuously lives with a pregnant woman over the nine months of her pregnancy, their pheromones impact each other. The mother's estrogen affects the father, and the father's testosterone affects the mother. When the mother and father live together continuously during her pregnancy, the father's testosterone level goes down 33% the first three months after the baby is born. This allows the father to accept that vulnerable infant in a way that's going to accommodate that infant's needs. Also, the father's oxytocin level (i.e., his bonding hormone) will go up 33% the first three months after the baby's born. This is because the pheromones, the scents that are given off by the pregnant woman during her pregnancy, affect the male's behavior. He's physiologically preparing to protect and raise his child.
Fathers also tend to allow more physical risk-taking. In many two-parent families, fathers might let their child ride their trike a little further, climb the tree a little higher, and in general, engage in riskier behavior than moms would allow. Fathers also shape the child's gross and fine motor development when he's playing with his children. Gross motor development involves the large muscles and fine motor development includes eye-hand coordination. When fathers are interacting with their children in a healthy way, he's encouraging that child to develop their physical skills and coordination, to allow them to achieve more tasks at an earlier age.
In addition, a father's tendency to activate his child encourages and supports the child's discovery of their capacity for exercise, play, coordination, and general physical activity. When children are activated, that activates their brain and their body. A lot of times when dads come home, young children will want to go seek out the father, especially if his pattern is to play with them and to horse around with them. Fathers also encourage the orientation toward comfort with their bodies. Again, it's giving them that opportunity to figure out what they can do with their eye-hand coordination, what they can do with the muscle groups that allow them to try new activities, including not only sports, but also music, art, drama, and anything creative for that child.
Ethical and Moral Development
One very important component of a father's impact on their child is their role in helping develop the child's ethical and moral compass. Dads often determine the level of acceptance of people of different backgrounds. Tolerant, non-violent, respectful fathers raise children who reflect those same values. If the father is accommodating to people of other cultures and other backgrounds and teaches his son or daughter to respect that and to accept that, and interact in respectful ways, that child's probably going to have a less bumpy road growing up than if they are if the father is teaching intolerance or certain forms of violence.
Studies show that primary school children score higher on tests of empathy (the ability to see a situation from another person's viewpoint) if they have a healthy attachment to a nurturing male who is involved in the child's life on a consistent basis. Kids do better when a healthy male is there to talk to the children, to interact with the children, to comfort the children, and to teach the children the skills they need, especially when it comes to good and bad, or right and wrong. When disciplining their child, dads will often use techniques to teach them what makes this action right, or what makes this behavior wrong? What makes it good or bad? For some fathers, if the idea of discipline is very strict, we will substitute the term "discipline" with "setting limits" for their children. When a father "sets limits" with his children, often he has more tools in his toolbox, such as eye messages, and natural and logical consequences, and time out, that might not be in the toolbox if his focus is on strict discipline.
Fathers also model how to respond to peer pressure. When children observe how the father handles stress in he's dealing with his own peers, they will see if he's respectful of other men and women and if he handles the stressors in positive ways. Then, the child will develop self-soothing skills and tend to respond to stress in similar ways. Fathers often encourage respect and tolerance of people whose views are different from theirs, people of different belief systems, of different cultures, of different languages, whose background is quite different from their own. If the father sees that this is an enriching experience and not a threat, the children will see that and often respond in a similar manner.
Dads also instill a value system that he lives by and portrays to his children. If children see that Dad is honest when he's with his friends and if he's honest when he's talking on the phone when he's interacting with the mother of his children and he does that in a respectful and calm manner, the children will see that that's the healthy masculine role model. As a result, girls will then be attracted to males who are like that, and boys will want to be males like that.
Intellectual Development
Studies suggest that fathers who are involved and are nurturing and playful with their infants can actually improve a child's IQ. When a baby is born, the neurons are not connected to each other in the child's brain. The baby's brain grows from the center out, from the bottom to the top, and to the back to the front. As the brain develops, the neurons create patterns. The more that baby is stimulated in positive ways (before the age of three) with stroking, singing, cuddling, music, reading, and rocking, the higher potential the neuron paths will develop in the baby's brain. Now, this is true for mothers as well. This isn't something that's limited to fathers. However, since dads tend to interact with their children in ways that are often different from the mom, this enriches the child's brain development and potential to raise the child with higher IQs. They will also have improved linguistic skills and cognitive abilities, such as how to process information, how to focus and stay on a task, and to be able to remember to retrieve facts.
A father's typical style when interacting with his children is to excite and stimulate the child. Often, the father's interaction is not as predictable as the mom's interaction. For example, when a mom is giving her 18-month-old a bath, moms will often have a certain routine for what they bring into the tub and the process they use at bathtime. Dads, on the other hand, don't necessarily have a predictable pattern. He might just bring the child in, turn the water on, check the water, and then think of the toys, and then think of the things he forgot. The idea is that fathers have somewhat more unpredictable patterns when they interact with their children.
When moms tell stories about their culture, often they tell the same story. Fathers, a lot of times, will make up or create a story. Fathers' interactions when it comes to intellectual development are more unpredictable and more spur of the moment. This style fosters the toddler's brain to enhance that neural growth because mom's and dad's styles are different, and both of these styles together enrich the child's ability for intellectual development.
Academic Performance
For academic performance and doing well in school, kids with involved fathers tend to be more patient if the father is patient. They can handle the stress and the frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with uninvolved fathers. When they see how their dad copes, often the children will develop coping skills in a similar manner.
Numerous studies have found that an active and nurturing style of fathering when the father is present and promoting education will result in the children having increased verbal skills. They'll be able to use their language in ways that are more developed, possess increased intellectual functioning, and can perform better in school as adolescents. A father's involvement in the child's school is linked to positive school outcomes. If the father is promoting school, supporting the child's projects, and attending functions at the school, there's the potential for the child to do better in school and have a higher class standing. They will see school as a positive environment and they do not dread going to school. This leads to a lower likelihood that they'll have to repeat a grade or get suspended or expelled.
Emotional Development
As I mentioned before, the rough and tumble play between the fathers and their young children encourages healthy development. As they are engaging in this type of play, they have to manage their emotions. If a father and his 10-year-old son are horsing around or wrestling, or trying some type of sport, the father might say, "Okay, it's time to stop this, and we need to move on to something else." He would then tell the little guy, "Go finish your homework," or, "Take care of your little sister," or, "Go take out the trash." That boy learns that while he was being competitive with his father in this sport, now he has to turn that off and be responsible, engage in another task. When a child is able to switch from competitive to cooperative, from win-lose, to win-win, that boy is going to grow up in a more emotionally healthy way. He'll be safer around other people because he sees how he is responsible for his own emotional control, that he has the ability to decide how he wants to respond to different stressful situations. Researchers call this a key developmental stage for children. It's also very important in our daughters, but a lot of times when girls are under stress, their propensity for violence is seen in a different way. For boys, a lot of times their acting out is external. For girls, this "violence" tends to be more turned inward, and leads to more harmful behaviors toward themselves, manifesting as eating disorders or poor self-esteem, for example.
Also under emotional development, engaged fathers help protect girls from prematurely seeking the romantic and sexual attention of older boys and men. As males, fathers know about boys. They know what they're like and they want to warn them in ways that are respectful, explaining what is acceptable behavior what isn't. Different cultures have different ways of determining what is predatory or dangerous behavior and what is acceptable behavior, and at what age these behaviors become appropriate.
Extensive evidence indicates that dads use more commands and other forms of clear direction in talking to children. This allows the children to develop appropriate responses to authority figures. Also, when a father says, "Behavior X is okay and Behavior Y is not okay, and you need to speak up for yourself if someone is engaging in Behavior Y", this can help empower our daughters to say no to boys who are engaging in inappropriate behavior.
Impulse Control
Back to the rough and tumble play, again. This is one of the biggest things that dads can contribute to child development. When they're rough-housing, a father can teach the child how to deal with aggressive impulses and physical contact in a safe manner without losing control. If kids are horsing around with their dad, and they start getting angry or frustrated, they need to learn to find safe ways to express these feelings. Then, as the child grows and develops, they can take those same skills and apply them in other situations when they're feeling under stress or under pressure from a peer to engage behavior they're not ready for.
Children who witness their father's anger or contempt for their mother are more at risk for depression, aggression, poor health, family violence, and risky or criminal behavior. Boys and girls learn from a significant male in their life what is appropriate behavior, and impulse control is one of the most important, especially for boys. In the United States, we incarcerate males at 12 times the rate we incarcerate females. The main reason that so many men are incarcerated is they lack impulse control. They get mad at a friend, as they get older they drink and drive, they get in a fight, they hit their girlfriend, they engage in behavior that's absolutely not okay. If they haven't learned the self-soothing behaviors at a young age, their impulse control is not in effect, and they end up engaging in criminal behavior. If they're under 18, they end up in juvenile detention. Once you're 18 it's the Department of Justice. We need to teach, our sons especially, this impulse control so that they grow up to become healthy productive citizens, and not incarcerated.
Fathers typically spend more of their time engaged in vigorous play than moms do. As such, fathers play a uniquely physical role in teaching their sons and daughters how to handle their emotions on and off the field, the rink, the floor, or the street. Again, if this is what the fathers are doing, fathers will recognize this and encourage children to engage in behavior that is healthy and safe. Children of healthy fathers display less impulsivity and more self-control, especially in new situations.
Fathers exercise a critical role in providing their children with a mental map of how to respond to difficult situations. When adolescents are under stress or in a difficult situation, they need to have a sense of what they need to do, what the appropriate responses are, and what are not appropriate responses. Fathers can teach their sons and their daughters how to respond to these situations in healthy and safe ways.
Dads seem to be uniquely successful in disciplining boys. This is displayed in some cultures more than others, perhaps in part because boys are often likely to respond to the direction of a male authority figure. Not necessarily just because of his size, or because of his voice or his muscle mass, but it could be that in their culture, the father is the parent they model to set their guidelines for acceptable behavior.
Religious and Spiritual Formation
For many children, the father's belief in a higher power and how he ties that to moral development, social justice, or giving back to the community significantly influences the child's willingness to participate in altruistic endeavors. The child gains a sense of purpose and desire to help others and make a difference in the world. That sense of coming from something that we can't see or hear is a significant role that fathers can play. Again, this depends on their culture and on what religious practices or spiritual beliefs they want to encourage their children to believe in. Ideally, the father works with the mother in establishing those values and fulfills those values as the child grows older.
Cultural Identity
Fathers traditionally contribute in significant ways to build their children's awareness of their legacy, their heritage and what that means to members of their group. Where am I from? What is my heritage? What are my roots? What does it mean to be a member of this group, clan or tribe? What do I want to pass on? What do I want to understand? What do I want to honor and respect? This affects their self-identity, their gender roles, clearly their cultural history, and their world view. Fathers often exemplify customs and traditions that they want to pass on to future generations. These traditions and customs include not only celebrations, holidays, or holy days, but also practices of how they see their role in the world. How do they respond if they're being treated disrespectfully, especially if their culture is different from the dominant culture in which they live? How do they respond to that in a safe way? How do they handle that in ways that will allow them to become part of the dominant culture?
Role Expectations
Children benefit when fathers are present for the milestones in their lives, their rites of passage, and the major events that are important to their children's development. Again, depending on the culture, religion, and geographic area, the events that they celebrate and perpetuate may vary. For example, some religions celebrate baptism or confirmation, and these are important rites in the development of their children. Some cultures observe religious or holy days, celebrate quinceanera, or have naming ceremonies. These are all milestones that are important.
In addition, dads teach and model how to develop and maintain relationship skills. Fathers who establish healthy, safe relationships with men and women in their lives tend to grow children who do the same. When men are engaged in interactions with friends, family, or coworkers, and if they treat people with respect, their children have a tendency to model that behavior. Also, children who observe their father interacting with his spouse or partner with dignity and respect are likely to treat their own partners the same way.
Career Choices
Studies of successful females employed in Fortune 500 companies report that their fathers or father figures played a significant role in removing barriers and allowing them to pursue and enter the field of their choice, avoiding stereotypical career fields for females. When the Family and Work Institute asked this question years ago, they asked high-achieving women in Fortune 500 companies to what do they attribute their success? Their number one response was that they were encouraged to get higher education to go beyond high school. The second most common response, that their father or a father figure, encouraged them to not be encumbered by gender expectations and go out for a job that they wanted, not a job that was relegated to what women should do. That when men open doors for their daughters and encourage them to pursue fields of their choice, and avoid that stereotyping, they can achieve much higher status and fulfillment.
Guide to the Outside World
Fathers present themselves as a guide to the outside world. Dads focus less upon making a child feel good and secure, and more on challenging and helping them prepare to cope with the real world. A lot of times, fathers try to be that lens through which their child sees the world. Often, fathers allow and encourage their children to develop those coping skills and provide a sense of what is in store for their future. If they're meant for something significant, how do we encourage them to do that? If they're meant to do something that's going to make a difference, how do we help them achieve that? What can we do to support them as their guide to what's going on in the outside world?
Conclusion: Fatherhood Quotes
I want to conclude with some quotes that I think can be significant and motivating for fathers and those that work with fathers.
“You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's.”~ Robert Frost
“My father didn’t tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him live it.” ~ Clarence Budington Kelland
“A father carries a picture of his child where his money used to be.” ~Unknown
“There is a hole in the soul of every child in the shape of their absent father.” ~Unknown
“My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.” ~Quinten Crisp
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person. He believed in me.” ~ Jim Valvano
The information from this presentation was drawn from several sources. I'd like to highlight two in particular that you might want to take a closer look at. First, Dr. Michael Lamb wrote the book "The Role of the Father in Child Development." Second, Dr. Kyle Pruett is the head of the Department of Child Psychiatry at Yale University, and he wrote a book titled "Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child." Both of these books contain valuable information that can be helpful to both practitioners and parents.
Questions and Answers
As teachers and educators, how can we apply this information to our work?
I think one of the big issues is getting fathers in the door. A lot of Head Start programs and Family Social Service agencies are often seen as programs for moms and not for dads. That's not anybody's fault, that's just how the system has done it historically. One of the things I would suggest is to present a male presence in the materials that promote your programs and services. Do you offer portrayals of fathers in the media? Are there portrayals in the pamphlets, brochures, or on the posters that are hanging on the walls when you walk in your office? Do they offer positive portrayals of men and children, as well as women and children, or even better, men, women, and children altogether? I would say, in your recruitment, do you go to places that fathers frequent when you're distributing information online, or in person, or say, in public service announcements? Do you offer this information in places that fathers frequent so they know about your programs and services?
You also want to have a male presence. You want to have males on staff. Sometimes you can't bring one in full-time, but you can have them as independent contractors or consultants. You can have males that fulfill specific roles of recruiting fathers, or working with fathers, or developing resources specifically targeted for fathers. You want to have the staff understand the difference between maternal and paternal parenting styles. There are a lot more ideas in Kyle Pruett's book, "Fatherneed." I'd suggest having staff training and pull information from "Fatherneed" to talk to the staff about how to respect some of those nuances between maternal and paternal parenting styles. For retention strategies, when you're working with fathers, what are you doing when they're present in your agency to keep them engaged, to keep them wanting to do more? You need to have activities that appeal to fathers and make sure that there are workshops, classes, father-child activities, picnics, or any types of activities that appeal to fathers.
What about families that do not have a father or a male role model? Do you have any recommendations for those families?
Unfortunately, there are, in my opinion, way too many families that don't benefit from a father's presence. I would suggest a couple of different options. First, look in your community for father figures that fulfill important roles. For example, is there a coach in a specific sport that might be a father figure? Is there a teacher or an advisor in a different activity, such as in art, drama, or music? Are there places that employ men that would present a positive male role model for children of different ages? Are there communities of faith with male leaders who can fulfill that role? I'd also look at extended family members, like uncles, grandparents, and other available men in the child's family. I'd also then look in larger parts of the community and other places where men might offer opportunities to mentor children, and what they're doing to connect with families. Although these male role models wouldn't be in the child's home, they could still be fulfilling that fatherly influence that children need. Even if a child did not have a father figure present at age two, three or four, as the child gets older, they can still benefit from and learn from healthy male role models.
