Unpacking, Transforming and Healing Shame: Theory and Practice for Mental Health Practitioners

Editor's Note: This text-based course is an edited transcript of the webinar, Unpacking, Transforming and Healing Shame: Theory and Practice for Mental Health Practitioners, presented by Shira Sameroff, MSW, LCSW.

Learning Outcomes

After this course, participants will be able to:

• Describe the origins and development of shame and the difference between shame and guilt.
• Identify cultural and societal influences on shame and its expression.
• Explain the effect of shame on individual clients and on society as a whole.

Welcome 

I'm so glad to be here and to welcome you all to this session. It's wonderful to have you here to explore a topic that I believe is incredibly important. 

I know how demanding it can be to carve out time for continuing education amidst everything else we do as practitioners. It can sometimes feel like just one more thing on a long list of responsibilities. But I encourage you to see this as a space that’s for you—to orient yourself to what will make this experience meaningful and beneficial. My goal is to make this as valuable and supportive as possible for you, and I’m here to ensure it’s a positive and enriching experience.

Limitations/Risks

Therapeutic practice around issues of shame is a vast and in-depth field that requires ongoing learning and practice to develop a comprehensive knowledge base and skillset. This training serves as an introduction to some of the key aspects of this work.

Historical traumas and systemic injustices often contribute to collective experiences of shame within certain cultural groups. It is crucial for clinicians to recognize the profound impact of these historical and structural factors on individuals' experiences of shame and their capacity for resilience. To effectively navigate these complexities, clinicians must engage in continuous self-reflection and demonstrate cultural humility, ensuring a thoughtful and informed approach to addressing shame within diverse cultural contexts.

Opening Activity (From the Live Event)

I’d like to start with an opening activity that I often facilitate. I also offer webinars and recorded sessions on group facilitation, which is something I’m deeply passionate about. Whenever I’m with a group, I aim to create a true sense of community, and one way to do that is by inviting you to share and participate. From my perspective, experiential learning is one of the best ways to truly engage with the material. Even in this format, where we can’t see or hear each other directly, there are still ways to foster connection and interaction.

I encourage you to participate by asking questions at any time, sharing your thoughts, or simply reflecting on the prompts I provide. This session is meant to be participatory, and I welcome your contributions. To start, I’d love to hear your name, where you’re joining from, and one word that comes to mind when you think of shame. For example, one participant might say “Minneapolis” and “hiding.” That’s a great word—thank you for sharing.

To share a bit about myself, after living in Brooklyn, New York, for a couple of decades, I now reside in Asheville, North Carolina. One word that comes to my mind when I think about shame is lonely. I’ll expand more on that as we go, but that word encapsulates an important aspect of shame for me.

If you’d like to share where you’re joining from and your word, you’re welcome to do so at any point. Regardless, I’m glad you’re here and look forward to exploring this topic together.

Webinar Agenda

Let me start by going over the webinar agenda. I believe it’s always important to know what to expect—it helps set the stage and gives clarity about what we’ll cover.

First, introductions: I’ve already introduced myself, and you’re welcome to introduce yourself at any time. Next, I’ll outline the guidelines for our group to ensure we create a respectful and engaging space for learning and sharing. We’ll then dive into the theory and practice of effective work, exploring key concepts and applications. Finally, we’ll close by honoring our time together and reflecting on what we’ve covered.

Guidelines For Our Group Today

Let’s take a moment to establish our group guidelines for today. Even in this format, I believe it’s essential to create a space that feels supportive and works well for everyone. My hope is that we all approach this session with open ears and open minds, including myself and our facilitators. I encourage you to show up fully and honestly, to listen, to share, and to ask any questions that come to mind.

All questions are welcome here—there’s no expectation for you to know something before you’ve had the chance to learn it. Shame can often be attached to asking questions, and people sometimes hold back because they feel embarrassed or unsure. I want to clear that away in this space. This is a place where curiosity is valued and where questions, no matter how big or small, are seen as an important part of the learning process.

I will be transparent with you about what I know and what I don’t. While I bring a lot of experience to this work, there are always things I’m still learning, and that will always be true. I won’t pretend to have answers when I don’t. This session is for you, and creating an environment where you feel comfortable and supported is my priority. Once again, welcome—I’m so glad you’re here.

Unpacking Shame

I am deeply passionate about addressing and healing shame because it is such a pervasive and powerful experience. Shame often arises as a result of trauma and hurt, and I believe that every individual deserves the opportunity to heal from it. It has an enormous impact on individual lives and, in many ways, on all of us collectively. Shame is a shared human experience, and I’ll speak more about its collective nature as we move through this session.

In my view, true healing, transformation, and the social change we aspire to create require us to confront and clear the shame that stands in the way. Shame is often at the root of so many struggles, and addressing it allows individuals to live fuller, more connected, and more authentic lives. In my own experience, both personal and professional, shame has been a recurring theme. I honestly can’t recall working with anyone, whether individually or in a group setting, where shame wasn’t present in some way. It’s always there, shaping emotions, thoughts, and actions. That’s why I’m so passionate about this work—it gets to the heart of what holds people back.

Carl Jung once said, “Shame is a soul-eating emotion.” This resonates deeply with me because it so accurately reflects how shame feels and how it manifests in others. It’s a weight that can consume and isolate, and I see this again and again in the individuals I work with.

Brené Brown, who has done extensive work on shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” She emphasizes that shame isn’t about making a mistake or doing something wrong—it’s about feeling inherently flawed, as though there’s something deeply and uniquely wrong with who we are at our core. That belief is brutal to carry and, as Brown notes, is a collective experience on some level. It’s this shared yet deeply isolating nature of shame that makes it so vital to address and heal.

I also want to share a perspective from Mario Jacoby, another practitioner who has explored shame. He delves into the origins of the word, which he links to the Indo-Germanic root kam/chem, meaning “to cover.” This etymology aligns with the experience of shame—causing us to hide, to cover ourselves, because we feel there’s something inherently wrong with us. It’s fascinating how even the roots of the word echo the lived experience of shame.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

The difference between guilt and shame lies in the focus of each emotion. While guilt centers on a specific action—what I did—shame focuses on the global self—who I am. Guilt arises when we recognize that something we did was wrong or out of alignment. For instance, I might feel guilty for lying to someone or not being honest, and I feel bad about that specific behavior. Guilt allows us to reflect on our actions, recognize harm, and potentially make amends. It can be a catalyst for growth and change.

Shame, on the other hand, is far more pervasive and damaging. It’s the belief that I am inherently bad, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. It’s not tied to a single action but rather to a global, internalized sense of unworthiness. This makes shame much harder to resolve because it’s not about correcting an action—it’s about feeling irredeemable as a human being. That’s why shame is so destructive and why it’s critical to address and heal it.

It’s also worth noting that guilt isn’t always tied to something we’ve actually done. Sometimes guilt is inherited or internalized, stemming from societal or familial messages that have been passed down. We may feel guilty about something that isn’t truly wrong but has been framed as such by external forces. In these cases, we need to discern whether the guilt is valid or misplaced.

The key difference is that guilt, when appropriate, can lead to resolution, learning, and accountability. Shame, however, traps us in the belief that our very essence is flawed, which prevents growth and healing. This distinction highlights why it’s so important to clear shame—it stands in the way of living a whole and authentic life.

Origins of Shame

The origins of shame are deeply rooted in generational patterns and early life experiences. Unhealed, unprocessed shame often gets passed down from generation to generation. Each person experiences it differently, but we all come into a world steeped in it, absorbing its messages and emotions. Our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and the generations before them lived through difficult experiences, often without the opportunity to heal. As a result, their unhealed wounds and the associated shame become a legacy that is passed down, often unintentionally.

As children, we are open and highly impressionable, absorbing the world around us without the capacity to critically analyze or process the emotions and dynamics we encounter. Much of the shame we carry isn’t even our own—it’s inherited from those who came before us. Caregivers and parents rarely intend to pass on their shame, but as young children, we internalize it nonetheless, interpreting our environment without the guidance or context needed to understand that certain emotions or reactions aren’t ours to bear.

Shame itself, though not useful, serves a protective function. It warns us to hide, as if doing so could prevent harm or rejection. This instinct has roots in early human history, tied to survival mechanisms like avoiding ostracism or danger. That’s why shame feels so intense and overwhelming—it taps into primal fears that go back to our earliest ancestors. It’s an automatic, protective response designed to keep us safe, even though it often harms us by creating a sense of unworthiness and disconnection.

Peter Breggin, a practitioner who has explored the nature of emotions and healing, offers a valuable perspective. He explains that the initial activation of shame and similar emotions occurs in childhood, a time when we lack the cognitive ability to recall or understand what’s happening to us. He writes, “The origins of our demoralizing emotions are literally prehistoric because they are the result of millions of years of biological evolution, and second, because they were shaped in infancy and childhood before we were cognitively able to recall or understand what was happening to us.”

As children, we experience the world emotionally and viscerally, without the tools to make sense of it. Emotional responses to shame become ingrained as protective mechanisms, often without us consciously recognizing or remembering why. These responses remain with us until we take the steps to identify and clear them. This process can be challenging because shame feels so pervasive and ingrained, but understanding its roots—both generational and developmental—helps illuminate the path toward healing.

Trauma and Shame

The connection between trauma and shame is profound and deeply interwoven. Shame often arises from experiences of being hurt, particularly in childhood, when we are most vulnerable and impressionable. Unhealed and unprocessed shame becomes part of what Peter Breggin calls our "negative legacy emotions." These are emotions passed down through generations, often reflecting not what we have done but what has been done to us. They originate from unresolved traumas and hardships in our lineage and become internalized as part of our emotional landscape.

Breggin describes how these legacy emotions—shame, guilt, and anxiety—are frequently imposed on individuals through experiences of abuse, bullying, and violence. Children who are harmed often feel shame, not because they are guilty of anything, but because shame becomes their emotional response to being mistreated. This is especially evident in cases of sexual abuse but applies to other forms of harm as well. Ironically, those who inflict harm are often carrying their own unhealed shame, which perpetuates a cycle of hurt. Perpetrators may act out of their unresolved pain, and while their behavior must be interrupted, it is essential to recognize that they, too, are in need of healing.

Shame becomes a barrier to healing because it leads to hiding. When we carry shame about our experiences, whether abuse, neglect, or even something as seemingly benign as parental separation, we often isolate ourselves. Children, for example, may interpret a parent leaving for work as rejection, internalizing feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy. In cases of abuse, shame compounds the pain, making it nearly impossible to confront or process the experience openly. This hiding, fueled by shame, keeps the wound locked in, preventing healing and perpetuating cycles of disconnection.

Tara Brach offers insight into how trauma interacts with shame, explaining that trauma occurs when the nervous system is overwhelmed, and our most primal coping mechanisms fail. When we cannot fight or flee, we freeze or dissociate, and the unprocessed fear becomes locked in the body. This state of unresolved fear and reactivity leads to chronic conditions such as anxiety, depression, addiction, and PTSD. Trauma is not a rational experience, and the patterns of reactivity it creates are not conscious choices. They are coping strategies born out of survival instincts, driven by the limbic system, when we lack access to the reasoning and compassion of our higher brain functions.

Trauma leaves individuals disconnected—from themselves, from others, and from the possibility of healing. This is where shame plays a compounding role. The layer of shame placed over traumatic experiences makes them harder to access, process, and heal. Brach emphasizes that the process of disconnecting and living in reactivity is not chosen; it is a survival response that becomes ingrained when conditions for safety and care are absent.

In our work, whether with ourselves or clients, part of the healing process involves helping individuals notice where they are living in reactivity. By creating safety, fostering connection, and addressing the somatic imprint of trauma, we can begin to shift these patterns. Healing shame and trauma requires recognizing the ways they are intertwined and addressing the root causes with compassion and care. This approach opens the door to reconnecting with self and others, creating pathways for true healing and resilience.

Expressions and Effects of Shame

Shame creates a distorted lens through which we see ourselves and the world, isolating us and reinforcing the belief that we are alone in our struggles and fundamentally at fault. This lens profoundly shapes our thoughts and behaviors, making us feel that our challenges and imperfections are shameful. In my experience, this sense of being "the worst" or "uniquely flawed" is nearly universal, whether in therapeutic settings, transformative decluttering work, or other contexts. This highlights how shame distorts reality and isolates us.

Even in the presence of love and support, shame perpetuates separateness and loneliness. It convinces us that we are undeserving of connection, making it difficult to receive love or engage authentically in relationships. The fear of vulnerability—the dread of being seen in our perceived "wrongness"—leads to hiding and secrecy, disconnecting us from others and parts of ourselves. This cycle of disconnection compounds the isolation.

Tara Brach illustrates this well, saying, “The most painful layer of suffering that surrounds trauma is shame. We blame ourselves for the ways our body and nervous system found to survive.” This self-blame becomes a barrier to healing, blocking access to self-compassion and preventing reconnection with our innate aliveness and spirit. Shame thrives in secrecy, convincing us to hide our struggles and preventing us from seeking the help and perspective we need to heal.

Shame also interferes with emotional expression, often shaped by societal norms and oppressive systems that dictate acceptable emotions. For example, women may feel shame about expressing anger, while men may feel shame about showing fear or sadness. This conditioning suppresses emotional authenticity and deepens our disconnection, making healing even more difficult.

Moreover, shame immobilizes us, paralyzing growth and self-reflection. The belief that we are inherently flawed prevents us from addressing mistakes or changing dysfunctional patterns. Brené Brown aptly states, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” This belief stifles individual growth and collective progress, as shame limits our ability to reach our potential and connect authentically with others.

Shame manifests in various ways, some of which may be unexpected. While it often leads to hiding and withdrawal, it can also present as defensive behaviors like arrogance or grandiosity. These are often misinterpreted as confidence but are, as John Bradshaw describes, "defending scripts" designed to mask deep insecurity and shame. Recognizing this dynamic is essential for practitioners to address the root causes of these behaviors with compassion and clarity.

Despite its challenges, healing and transforming shame is entirely possible. It starts by bringing shame into the light—naming it and creating spaces for individuals to share their experiences without judgment. As Brené Brown notes, “Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it. It can’t survive being shared.” Sharing dismantles the power of shame, allowing it to dissipate.

For practitioners, helping individuals reconnect—with themselves, others, and their emotions—is essential and transformative. Creating environments where people can risk vulnerability, embrace feedback, and rediscover their inherent goodness is key to healing. When shame is cleared, individuals can step fully into their potential, offering their unique gifts to the world and contributing to collective healing and progress.

As practitioners, you are already part of this important work. It is challenging and often undervalued, but it is deeply impactful. I encourage you to take a moment to honor the effort and heart you bring to your practice. This work matters. Together, we can unlock the profound potential beyond shame, fostering healing for individuals, communities, and the world.

Healing Shame

Healing shame begins with bringing it into the light. Shining the light of day on what we feel ashamed of—naming it, sharing it, and holding it with compassion—opens the door to healing. As much as shame convinces us to hide, it cannot survive exposure. Talking about shame and the experiences tied to it clears the heavy emotional weight. I’ve experienced this personally—moments when the act of speaking aloud something I felt deep shame about immediately lightened the burden. What felt unbearable in silence became manageable and lessened when shared.

This process, however, is not easy. Shame is powerful and protective, making it feel terrifying to expose. That’s where our role as practitioners is vital—walking with people through this vulnerable, edgy space, helping them trust that healing is worth the discomfort. Brené Brown highlights this beautifully: “We desperately don’t want to experience shame, and we’re not willing to talk about it. Yet, the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it.” Sharing in honesty and vulnerability breaks shame’s grip, as shame cannot survive in an environment of openness and connection.

A powerful example of this comes from Tanya Denise Fields, shared in Tarana Burke and Brené Brown’s book on shame and resilience in the Black experience. Fields describes how societal oppressions like racism, fat antagonism, and colorism deeply shaped her self-perception, leading to shame that immobilized her. For years, she shared candid insights into her life with thousands of followers but kept hidden the shame she felt as a survivor of intimate partner violence. Breaking her silence and speaking openly about her experiences was transformative. As she shared, others came forward, empowering one another to confront their own shame and realize they were not defined by it. Her words capture the shift perfectly: “I was giddy, and I felt more free than I ever had in my life.”

This story illustrates how healing shame not only frees the individual but also creates ripples of empowerment and connection for others. When we bring shame into the open, we create opportunities for collective healing, showing others they are not alone and challenging the societal ideologies that perpetuate shame.

Benefits of Working on Shame

As practitioners, we can support this process by creating environments of unconditional love, acceptance, compassion, and belonging. These are the antidotes to shame. We help clients see they are not alone in their struggles or feelings. Sharing relatable stories, connecting them with support groups, and fostering spaces where vulnerability is safe and welcomed are all critical tools in this work.

Groups, in particular, are a powerful way to heal shame. When individuals hear others share experiences they once believed were uniquely shameful, they begin to see through the distorted lens of shame. They realize their struggles are not a personal failing but part of the shared human experience. This recognition dismantles the isolation shame thrives on.

Unconditional love, acceptance, and compassion heal not only our clients but also the collective. When shame is healed, individuals can step into their full potential, offering their unique gifts to the world and contributing to a more connected and compassionate society. This work is transformative, not just for the individual but for all of us.

Practitioner Shame

As practitioners, our role is to support clients in accessing their self-compassion. While we offer love, acceptance, and compassion, it’s not simply for clients to receive passively but to help them reconnect with their own capacity for self-compassion. This connection is deeply healing, as it reopens an innate part of themselves that often gets blocked by shame and painful experiences. We need to communicate to clients their inherent goodness and help them rediscover their acceptance of self, a vital step in their healing journey.

Clients must also feel safe to talk about any and everything in their sessions. However, it’s equally important for us as practitioners to recognize when we are not in a position to support them fully. Whether due to a lack of experience or unresolved personal work, there may be instances where we cannot effectively hold space for certain issues. In those cases, transparency and honesty are crucial. For example, we might say, “I realize I don’t have the expertise or emotional readiness to work with this particular concern.” This acknowledgment, far from being a failure, reflects integrity and care for the client’s well-being.

It’s important to remind ourselves that this transparency is not shameful. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing our limits, just as there’s nothing wrong with a client needing a different practitioner or approach. When this occurs, we must communicate clearly that it’s not about a deficiency in the client or ourselves—simply a matter of fit. Offering referrals or connecting them with another resource reinforces their sense of worth and ensures they continue to receive the support they need.

Mark Jacoby emphasizes the significance of the therapist’s empathetic stability in this process, noting that it prevents the client from feeling forsaken during the ups and downs of their journey. Clients often fear rejection deeply, even when they seem to provoke it. These behaviors can be a way of testing boundaries, but they stem from a profound fear of abandonment. While we may need to give feedback, set boundaries, or even discontinue working with a client, we must never communicate a rejection of them as a person. Maintaining a stance of unconditional regard helps dismantle shame rather than reinforcing it.

Healing shame often requires revisiting the early experiences where it first took root. Clients need to understand that these wounds and their impacts came from external sources—circumstances, relationships, or societal messages—not from inherent flaws within themselves. For some clients, talking through these experiences can be a deeply healing process. For others, however, verbalizing trauma can keep them stuck in their heads and block the emotional and somatic release needed for healing. Recognizing this diversity in client needs is critical, and the healing approach must align with each individual.

There is growing recognition of the importance of embodied therapeutic modalities for healing shame and trauma. Shame lives not only in the mind but in the body, and modalities such as EMDR, somatic experiencing, EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), and somatic archaeology address this somatic dimension directly. While modern therapeutic institutions are increasingly incorporating these methods, many cultures have long practiced similar healing techniques. Reintegrating these approaches into mainstream therapy is essential for addressing the full scope of shame’s effects.

Finally, it’s essential to understand that shame must be healed from the inside. External accomplishments or achievements cannot resolve internalized shame. As John Bradshaw writes, “Accomplishments do not reduce internalized shame. In fact, the more one achieves, the more one has to achieve. Toxic shame is about being, and no amount of doing will ever change it.” Healing shame requires a focus on reconnecting with our inherent worth and being, rather than trying to prove our value through external actions or successes. This inward transformation is what ultimately allows clients to release shame and step into authentic, wholehearted living.

Closing

As we come to the close of our time together, I always think it’s valuable to reflect on a new perspective, connection, or highlight from our discussion. I invite you to take a moment to consider what stood out to you, what resonated, or what you might carry forward. If there’s anything you’d like to share, I warmly welcome it, and I’m here to answer any lingering questions you may have.

This is a deeply emotional topic, and the work we do as practitioners—engaging with emotions and bodies—is profoundly layered. It’s important to tend to yourselves, not just in this moment but as part of your ongoing practice. Tune into what you’re feeling, honor your own experience, and take the time you need for care and reflection.

I truly appreciate being with you in this space. Even though I couldn’t see your faces, I felt the connection of sharing and exploring this meaningful topic with you. Thank you for being here, for engaging, and for the work you do. It has been an honor to be part of this conversation with you.

About Me

So, a little about me—you’ll find that information included in the slides you’ll receive. You’re always welcome to reach out to connect with me, whether as a colleague or practitioner or if you’re interested in the work I do. I genuinely value those connections and conversations.

I wish you all the best in your work and in your journey. May goodness and growth accompany you in all that you do. Thank you for being part of this space today.

Questions and Answers

How do you help clients cultivate self-compassion and self-acceptance as part of their journey to overcoming shame?

That’s such an important question. There are many approaches, and the best one often depends on the individual, but here are some key strategies:

One significant way is by offering our own compassion to the client. When we model compassion, it allows them to feel it, often for the first time in this context. It communicates that they are worthy of kindness and care, helping them to start internalizing that perspective. It’s a powerful way to introduce the idea that they deserve compassion simply because they exist.

Another approach is to explore the early childhood experiences where their self-compassion might have been interrupted. Often, it’s helpful to invite clients to think about themselves as young children. I might ask, Would you ever treat a child the way you treat yourself? Would you ever blame a child in the way you blame yourself? These questions can be incredibly eye-opening, helping clients shift their perspective and recognize how harshly they’ve been treating themselves.

Similarly, drawing comparisons to how they treat others can be illuminating. I might ask, Would you say to a friend what you’re saying to yourself? Would you judge me this way if I shared the same feelings with you? Almost always, the answer is no. This contrast often highlights the unnecessary cruelty they direct toward themselves, fostering a new awareness that can shift their perspective.

It’s also vital to address the origins of shame. Clients can’t simply decide not to feel shame; it often requires going back to where it began. This doesn’t necessarily mean identifying specific events—it can be more about reconnecting with the emotions of that time. For instance, I might ask, How old do you feel right now when you think about this? If they say, I feel three, we might explore that three-year-old’s emotions and provide a sense of love and care to that younger self. It’s often easier for clients to extend compassion to their younger selves than to their adult selves, and this process can begin to heal those early wounds.

These approaches help clients gradually rebuild self-compassion and self-acceptance, key components in overcoming shame. Thank you for asking such a thoughtful question—it resonates so deeply with the heart of this work.

References

Please refer to the additional handout.