Kids Haven't Changed but Parents Have: Tips and Strategies for Connecting with Millennial Parents

Editor's note:  This text is an edited transcript of the webinar, Kids Haven't Changed but Parents Have: Tips and Strategies for Connecting with Millennial Parents, presented by Karen Deerwester, MA, EdS.

Learning Outcomes

Introduction

As early childhood educators, we love working with children. We bring developmental expertise and joy to our classrooms and our programs. However, something has changed over the last few years, and it happens to be the culture in which parents are raising their children. I adore Millennial parents, Millennial families, and the new Millennial world we live in. After this course, I want you to be able to identify the characteristics and changing needs of Millennial parents. The struggles they are under, the challenges, and their reality is very different than every other generation of parents that I have experienced (and I have been in early childhood education for 30 years). I am in a parent-child program, so I work hands-on with parents and children in young families, and then stay connected with them through the preschool experience. Today I will also discuss relationship-based parent engagement. It's very different than the rules and responsibilities that we used in the past for parent communication and parent engagement. This is about a relationship, where heart is more important than head. Finally, I will explain strategies to engage Millennial parents because the nuts and bolts change with the new expectations, demands, and challenges that we are now facing.

Think of how how you spend your day. Children haven't changed. Two-year-old struggles include space and boundary issues, a little bit of biting and pushing and shoving, as well as "me and mine" and "no." Three-year-olds, four-year-olds and five-year-olds go through power plays, oppositional stages, and different variations of inclusive play and exclusive play. They go through fears, monsters and power play. These are all developmental issues and we know how to handle them. Today, more and more of your job is being spent meeting the needs of parents - not just communicating with them, but meeting their needs. You may spend more time communicating and less time being heard; that can be frustrating. If that's the case, there are strategies to help you.

Here's my equation: Happy parents = happy children + happy teachers. In the past, children were happy, teachers were happy, and parents were happy. That's not going to be good enough anymore. You may want to defend your job skills by saying, "Look at my classroom - it's going beautifully." However, if it's going beautifully, but the parents don't understand why and how it's happening, then you have a challenge. You're not quite doing the job in the way it is being described for a new generation of parents. I'm not a math person, but this equation is not a transitive relationship. If the children and teachers are happy, that doesn't mean the parents will be happy. So, you need to evaluate if the parents happy. If they are, you will have happy children and happy teachers.  It's not optional. Successful parent partnerships are essential to how we do our job, how we define our jobs, and how we become satisfied that we're doing our jobs well. 

Expectations

Think about what your expectations are for parents. How would you complete this sentence: Parents are supposed to _____. Our expectations for parents cloud and shape our frustrations, our success, and define how we're interacting with parents. What do you think parents are supposed to do? How are they supposed to receive you, your skills, and your teaching for their children? A frequent expectation I hear from teachers is that parents are supposed to read messages, including emails and messages in backpacks. They're supposed to pay attention to the flyers and all of the messages and notes that you take the time to write. I also hear teachers say that parents are supposed to respect rules. There's a reason why parents aren't supposed to be talking on their cell phones in carpool lines. They're supposed to arrive to events on time or be courteous when they're changing the schedule. Or, they're supposed to follow rules that we care about. We want them to respect privacy. We want them to honor the privacy of all of the children and families at the school. You want parents to remember special events. You want them to be honest and not to be defensive when you try and advocate or support their children growing. You want them to show some loyalty and give you credit for all of your years of experience. You do know what you're doing - why can't they just see that and let it be?

There is a YouTube video called the school answering machine spoof that you can view at this link. Although it's meant to be humorous, it does capture the frustration and stress of teachers and administrators. In the video it says, "You have reached your school answering machine. Please listen to all of the options before making your selection. If you would like to lie about why your child is absent, press one. If you want to make excuses for why your child did not to his homework, press two. If you want to complain about what we do, press three. To swear at staff members, press four. To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers that have been mailed to you, press five. If you want us to raise your child, press six. If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press seven. To request another teacher for the third time this year, press eight." It goes on with a few more options and then says, "But if you live in the real world, hang up and have a nice day." You can feel validated and acknowledge the difficulties of this new job description. But, if you are using the tools that you used five years ago, 10 years ago, or 20 years ago, you will be frustrated. We need to make a shift, or what I refer to as "Etch-a-sketch" it. If you've ever played with an Etch-a-sketch, you know that you need to shake it up to erase it. That is exactly what you need to do with the old expectations and old assumptions - shake them right out of your head. They don't fit today. You have to erase them. The old assumptions will only add to your frustration and your stress and make you want to leave the profession. If we don't acknowledge the underlying expectations that we are bringing to the relationship with parents, then we can't be honest, authentic, and shift to truly meet parents where they are. Stress comes from what many people have blamed on entitlement. I describe entitlement as being about "Me, mine, now." Many people want to go back to pre-entitlement. I was raised in that pre-entitlement world and I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to blind obedience, to the time when it was believed that children should be seen and not heard. In schools, it was believed that parents should be seen and not heard. In the past the idea was, "Trust us, follow our rules, respect us blindly and just let us do our jobs." I don't want to go back to those days. I want to take what we have learned about authentic emotions, being assertive, and communicating effectively, and move into an entitlement-free world. In this world, I have a voice, I have choice, and I can participate and engage. I deserve respect as a parent, as a child and as the educator, and I can move forward to be part of something bigger than myself. That's going to give all of us a new kind of freedom.

We don't really have a choice because this is a new world. We live in a Millennial world. If you're a baby boomer or part of Gen X, then it's a new kind of relationship. Technology, social media, and business have changed how we interact. We are juggling Facebook, Twitter, Google, and Pinterest. We are now part of an online club, our tribe. We are a part of a new connected universe, and it's not just educators who struggle with new relationships. Think about your doctors. Doctors' authority, their decision making, and their choices are all being challenged. I challenge them and I'm sure you challenge them. We come to our docotrs with information, opinions, and biases, which has changed the world of medicine. Teaching has definitely changed with Pinterest and all the websites for teachers. In the past we had our private little bags of tools and strategies and games - now everybody knows them. Today, if you are going to be innovative, you have to understand that everybody already knows a lot of your secret tricks. You can't just keep teaching the same way every year. Google changes us, as does Hulu, Spotify, and Netflix. Everything today is on demand. Everything is for me, when I want it in the way that works for me. We can criticize that mentality and we can say there's a loss of communal sharing, but the reality is we don't live in one unified world anymore. We live in a world of overlapping tribes, communities and partnerships. Think about fantasy football. Of course we want parents to be loyal to our school. We want them to stand by us when we hit the little messiness and blips of life, but think about the major football teams. Nobody's loyal to just one geographical team anymore. They make their own team, with their own friends, with their own groups. It's a whole different way of being in this world. Businesses understand these new relationships. Think about all your favorite businesses, who maybe send you a funny email when you make a purchase. When I went on the Disney business tour, they said every transaction with a cashier is two minutes long, and it's a relationship that will be positive, constructive, and personal. So here's what we know about today - it's about voice and choice. I am seen. I have a voice and a choice of how I participate and when I participate. Having a voice and a choice is now shown to decrease stress. If I participate as myself, and am seen and heard so that I can actually collaborate or partner with you, then my cortisol levels decrease. That is priceless. 

New Rules

Let's discuss the new rules. The new rules are:

• Emotion-driven (painless, non-threatening, easy, convenient)
• Social
• Tech-connected
• "Spectacular"

Why is it that cortisol levels decrease by having a voice and a choice? It's because everything is about emotions. Everything is about my heart and how I feel in the interaction. I recommend the author Sherry Turkle's books because she can help you understand technology, Millennials, and raising children, from a non-educator point of view. She is a professor at MIT who researches human-technology interaction. In one of her books she discusses Simon the Robot, that was developed at the Socially Intelligent Machines Lab at Georgia Tech. They focus on studying human-robot interaction. They found that children would rather play with Simon the Robot than real kids. He doesn't steal their toys. He doesn't poke them in the stomach. He doesn't bite them. He doesn't tell them, "You can't come to my birthday party." He doesn't do all of that emotional, messy stuff. Think about Siri and Alexa - children are bossing them around all the time now. Artificial intelligence (AI) is changing how we interact. Research has also shown that senior citizens, especially patients with Alzheimer's, would rather be cared for by a robot than a family member. Robots don't get frustrated, they don't get angry, they don't get impatient and they don't yell. As teachers, we are the social and emotional skill builders of the world. We know how to manage emotions better than anyone, but we also have to be cognizant of making relationships painless and non-threatening, or at least less threatening. How do I make it easy for parents? How do I make it feel like it'll be okay? We live in a stressful world, where everything is being criticized and judged. Parents may feel that no matter what they choose for themselves as parents or what they choose for their child in terms of curriculum, program, or enrichment, they will be judged and come up as a failure. How do I make it easy and convenient for them to be the best parents and choose the best schools and teachers for their children? How do I make sure that it's social because there is less anxiety when they can share it with friends and know that somebody has their back. Every week on my podcast I say, "You got this and you're not alone." We are the first communities that help families grow into something bigger than themselves. The first thing that a child participates in that's bigger than the family is the classroom.

Today's parents are tech connected. Everything is about the information I have at my fingertips and the sharing of that information using the power of technology.  It still has to be easy and convenient in order to be spectacular. I learned this from an Italian writer who said that spectacular comes with new technology. The example that he used was wine making. In the old days, in order to be a wine connoisseur, you had to know where the grapes were grown and what the weather was like that year. You had to acquire the palette to help you appreciate and understand the best wines and you had to spend a lot of money on it. When air conditioning became available, California figured out how to make a perfect $15 wine. Spectacular. That's our mission. How do we stand out among everything else in this busy world?

Meet Parents Where They Are

As early childhood educators our number one strength is meeting children where they are. We know how to meet people where they are because we understand the power of a developmental moment, of a developmental milestone. This is just as much a milestone for parents as it is for children. Meeting parents where they are is the foundation and the definition of a relationship-based parent engagement. If I meet you where you are, I am with you. I am connecting with you where you are right now and what does that mean? You might be fearful, overextended, overwhelmed, bored, anxious, over-committed, stressed out, distrustful, and very skeptical. Do you want to judge them for that? I can't. I've been using baby food jar lids on trays for math and with magnets and as a baby toy for 30 years. This is the first generation that has to worry about lead in those lids. They are also the families that have to worry about arsenic in baby rice cereal. They cannot trust their food. They cannot trust corporations. Sadly, they might not even be able to trust government. All organizations, businesses, and institutions are being challenged and questioned. It's not easy to be in a Millennial world, but I have hope that these Millennials will take us forward into a phenomenal, new, exciting world.

Millennials: Defining a New Generation

There is controversy about exactly when Millennials were born, but it's somewhere between 1980 - 2000. Millennials are now in their early to mid to later 30s. They are having babies. They are now the parents of your preschoolers. Let's meet Millennials where they are. I think of this in coordination with the National Association for Education of Young Children (NAEYC) definition of developmentally appropriate practice that came out in 1986. What do we know about development? Meet parents and children where they are. Create the scaffold to move them forward into new skills and new abilities where we all choose and want to go.

Millennials are different than previous generations. They are digital natives and they are tech multitaskers. I know there's controversies over multitasking, but today there's a phone on every table. There is a phone wherever I am. We're pictures. I just did a Facebook Live from my classroom yesterday. Phones and mobile devices are part of all our interactions. Maybe we need unplug times, but there are exciting opportunities now that we can multitask with technology. 

Millennials are also community-minded. They are connected to their peers, their friends, their relatives, and their sources of information. The things that make them feel calm and validated are values and community. They want to change the world and they truly care. I have a counterexample back to this one. I have a parent-child program and maybe 10 years ago, parents would bring lawn chairs and line up outside my administrative office to make sure they got the first spots in the class they wanted to have for their child. About five years ago, the parents told me they were not going to compete with their friends. If they couldn't all get in the class together, they said they would find another class. They said, "Maybe you'll create another class for me or maybe we'll go somewhere else." Their relationships with their friends was more important than being the first to get what I had to offer, and I respect them for that.

Millennials will crowdsource information. That tends to go along with judgement and blame, but crowdsourcing information is not a terrible thing. For example, I've written three potty training books. I figured this out. I collected stories. I did interviews and then when I wrote the books, I went through a learning process. Whenever you write a book, that learning process results in something that you never would have discovered without investing the time and going through the process of learning for yourself. So, I'm an expert on potty training and have everything there is to know about it. And yet, I watched parents in my classes ask one another about potty training. I thought, really? Here I'm an expert. But then I sat back and I watched how they supported each other, engaged one another and drew from me as a resource, but not as the "be all, end all." I loved seeing this happen; I was liberated by it and I have a new relationship with all of my families because of it. Millennials will also crowdsource choices and decisions. When they want to evaluate your program, they're going to be able to do that with feedback from their friends. Everything you need to know is about how their friends are perceiving and supporting choices, decisions and information.

Millennials have been accused of oversharing, and have been negatively judged because of this. I want you to let go of those judgments. It's not oversharing, it's just a different way of sharing and notions of privacy are different now. Again, you have to erase your old expectations and your old assumptions. With oversharing, parents are going to take control of information in ways you might not want them to. Be prepared. Oversharing will come up again in relation to transparency when we get to the strategies later.

Millennials are Becoming Parents

When you struggle or feel frustrated when dealing with Millennial parents, think about the following questions that are based on research on Millennials.

Is there a need for more praise and feedback? Instead of thinking of Millennials as "praise junkies," or as  needing a lot of attention, think of this in terms of Lillian Katz's approach. Think of them needing encouragement, guidance, and hand holding. I'll talk about this in more detail in in the strategies section of today's talk.

Are they less loyal, especially if pushed, criticized or challenged? Again, think of the need for ease in the relationship. The relationship has to be safe. Also, they have a million other choices today. When I first opened parent-child programs, Mommy and Me, there were only two such programs in my area. We were setting the norm or the standard. Now, there are at least 100 programs in my community alone, without even considering all the online communities. Parents have so many more choices today.

Is silence mistaken for disapproval? Silence can be mistaken for disapproval because there is a pattern and habit of on-demand responsiveness today. So, if you ignore something or let it percolate without responding, parents are going to feel alone. Think about what happens when your doctor's office doesn't call you back and you're stressed. Think about when you have to deal with your cable company and they're ignoring you. These are just a few examples. Silence does not support the relationship.

Are expectations misinterpreted? Expectations can be misinterpreted and there are many examples, such as you expect them to RSVP. You think they're "supposed to do this" or "supposed to do that." After you finish this course, do some small group activities with your teams where you examine and explore your expectations for parents. You'll find that expectations lead to misinterpretation. Parents may not be understanding what you want from them. They may be thinking you don't understand them. It can be very stressful and a create a huge disconnect.

Does mentoring feel like hand-holding? Sometimes you resent having to mentor Millennial parents. It feels like hand holding, but we all need to take a step back and relax. Focus on how wonderful it is that we can actually be in these full partnerships and communicate who we are and what we do.

Six Characteristics & Tips for Connecting with Millennial Parents

How do we support, connect, and create strategies that will work for a whole new generation of parents? Let's review the six characteristics.

#1 - Millennials are Often Described as Being Special

They are called the "snowflake" generation. There is a lot written of information about Millennials written by non-Millennials. The reason that I love Millennials so much is because I've had the practice of growing with this knowledge for the past 8 or 9 years when I started doing workshops on this topic. You don't have to get it all in one day. My first reaction to this characteristic is, why shouldn't Millennials be special? I want to be special - I don't want to just feel like another number when I go somewhere. If I'm taking a yoga class, and a miss a class or two, I want somebody to ask me why - did I get bored? Did I hurt myself? Am I stressed? How am I doing? If this world has more relationships rather than less, how beautiful that would be. How wonderful that each person is perceived as unique. We are early childhood educators and we understand that each child has strengths and stamina. What I say in The Entitlement-Free Child is your child isn't special because they're perfect. Your child isn't special because they don't have flaws. Each one of us is an individual and a snowflake. My generation believes that everyone has something unique to share, unique to give, and I can meet you where your strengths are.

Based on this first characteristic, what strategy can we use to work with Millennial parents?  I recommend that you change your communication, your connection, and your relationship by making communication personal. Business now cannot just be business; it is personal. Whether you're a for-profit school or a non-profit school, it must be about the relationships. Notice the details of parents' lives. Making communication personal also applies to social media. When I first started using Twitter, one of my close friends who also runs BSM Media, taught me a lesson. She said, "Karen, Twitter is not about posts that say, look at me, look how smart I am." I learned that Twitter is not about me. It's about who I want to connect to, so I have to make it personal. What value do I have to share?  Is it worth people stopping their busy lives to connect with me? Pay attention and notice the details of parents' lives. You have to pay attention, and that's not one of my strengths. I always go full speed ahead. While I describe myself as having a fuzzy "Winnie the Pooh brain," my co-teacher acts like the other half of my brain and remembers every birthday, every parent-family challenge, and every struggle. She remembers to check in with parents and ask, "How's the grandfather feeling? How did your child do with the doctor visit? How's that evaluation going?" To make communication personal, you need to notice the details and then follow up. To make communication personal, you need to monitor your "about me and my way" ratios. If 90% of what you're doing is about your agenda, your goals, filling your classes, and being heard, then you are going to come up short. My friend from BSM Media says it should be 80/20 - 80% about you and 20% about me. Finally, to make communication personal, you have to stop the "judginess."  I want to change how I engage with a new generation and a new culture because parenting has never been harder. Parents are in "epic fail" mode every day, if not every hour. They are parenting in a fishbowl because everything they do can be seen and is out in the open. How they raise their children and how they educate their children is so much a part of that. We have to just let the judgments go. Stop criticizing their use of their phones. Stop criticizing their stress. Stop criticizing their priorities. Stop criticizing their self-care. Take a deep breath so that we can meet parents where they are.

They are special and we can provide something spectacular by creating meaningful, continuous, interactive feedback systems that inform, guide, and reassure. Interactive means "I hear you, I see you" and that I'm willing to connect where it's meaningful for you and where it matters for you. Again, think about how other businesses do this really well. In the past, as educators we were taught that we are perfect and the experts, and the right way to engage and channel is a one-way direction to parents. Now, it is about collaborative, two-way communication relationships. There is no universal, one way of doing things. In order to create meaningful feedback systems, we have to add many streams of information. One way will not work for every parent in your school. Some will read emails, some will get texts, some will only know it when you stand at the front door at them and tell them something, such as "Did you remember the upcoming event? I can't let you miss this experience because you matter to me and I want you there."

Technology is changing to support us and there are many great resources to support you. At our school, we use Remind.com so that we can text messages and reminders, and reach people who don't open their emails. Periscope, a video recording app, and Seesaw are wonderful tools to videotape from your classrooms in a secure way, so that you can make learning visible. For documentation and observation purposes, we want to make learning visible. I want you to make learning visible to parents so that they can see the emotion behind why you do what you do, how you do what you do, and the success of what you do. I also want you to use Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or wherever your parents are, to meet them exactly there. I want you to be informed about Pinterest as there's a lot of "spectacular" there. By changing how you communicate, you are showing respect for parents. By making communication accessible, portable and interactive, it is easy, convenient, and on parents' terms. If that's not your strength, look for information or find parent volunteers to help you. It's time for us to learn and grow, too.

Prevent the "silo mentality," with interconnected, overlapping communication. Everyone in your school is 100% representative of your brand. Everyone in your school needs to be giving forth the same message. I care about you, I'm here to support you. I'm here to help you find whatever you need for yourself and your child. I am here to reassure you that you've picked the best school and you are in the best experience all the time, no matter how many times those doubts creep up. But the silo is also not just when I think the information should be given. For example, remember that idea of not addressing an issue. If there's something percolating out there and you kind of are like, "I'll deal with it at parent-teacher conferences." If parent-teacher conferences aren't tomorrow, and there's an issue and there's a question and there's an anxiety, you address it. So, it's also not a my way silo that says that I am self-contained and I can do this according to my own terms.

Lastly, create opportunities through the technology, social media, and through the connectivity of our new generation to share positive experiences with family and friends. Brag and document with virtual experience.  The saying goes that if you can't show it on Facebook (or wherever your parents' primary social media outlet is), then it didn't happen. Every one of my events includes time for pictures and I will also put out a lot of media with the message that, "you don't wanna miss this because it's going to be special and spectacular, and it's just for you."

#2 - Millennials are Described as the "Baby on Board" Generation

Baby on Board refers to those stickers you see on car windows, and using this term to describe Millennials implies that they were raised to be sheltered from struggles. I want you to just think about that for a moment. It may feel like they've been sheltered from struggles because they're overwhelmed, but remember back to the reasons they may be overwhelmed. They are overwhelmed because of the pace of technology, because of over-information, and because they are raising children for 2040. Do you know what 2040 will look like and what those children will need? No, we don't. We are creating curricula for innovative, learning, problem-solvers who can adapt and be resilient and creative through change. However, the Millennial generation is firsthand experiencing a world that's flipping on its head every week, every month, and every year. Change is much more accelerated than ever before. I don't think Millennials have been sheltered from struggle; I think what they've been asked to manage is much more complicated than the struggles of past generations.

Here are some tips to manage this characteristic. Reassure and guide parents through the challenging school and developmental situations, such as biting, social invitations, aggression, developmental concerns, etc. Those situations aren't going away. For example, we know that biting might happen sometime in our classrooms at some point, so let me tell parents up front about this and other challenges. I'm a professional and I know how to handle it. I will tell them how to manage it and how they will be included in the process. 

Here is an example of this characteristic from my own experience. I was doing my first workshop eight years ago on a Saturday in July, and I received a call from a mother whose child was going to be in my transition class. Her child was not starting school until September, but she called me in July to ask for information about lunch schedules. I was surprised that she would call me on a Saturday for something that's not even going to happen for two months. However, she was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety and needed reassurance and guidance. 

So, I have to find a way to anticipate those needs and anxieties, as well as communicate and be responsive. Some of us are good at being responsive, and some of us need other people that will be responsive on our behalf. We may need other systems that will let parents know we want to be there for them, we won't forget, and we will follow up. Do not dismiss things that you know will come up again, and do not tell parents not to worry. Telling someone not to worry is like telling a child to calm down - it never works for anyone. Realize that you cannot eliminate the challenges, but you can be an active, collaborative partner in managing them. Collaborating means I'm listening to you, you're listening to me, and we can learn from each other. As we do with children, we can steer it knowing where the parents' vulnerabilities are.

There are additional strategies for how to anticipate and acknowledge needs and fears. Create a personal action plan for all worrisome situations. So, just like that mom that's going to call to check that is everything okay, I can say, "I promise I'll call you on Monday. I will check back in one week" so that they know I'm hearing them and seeing them. Just as we make learning visible, make trust visible, and then create events and strategies that manage the anxiety of back to school. Create advocacy topics. Let parents know you're thinking of their stress and needs as soon as it's being discussed in the media, and that you are on the cutting edge for it. Also, get parents involved because parents are your best allies.

#3 - Millennials Are Described as Confident, Assertive, Motivated, and Goal-oriented in Themselves and in their Future 

Millennials respect thought leaders over experts. You can't just push the research on them; you're not the sole source of knowledge. You have to let them feel like they are bringing their wisdom, their stories, and their experience.

So, what do you need to do in regard to this characteristic? Channel the feedback and recommendations into mutually beneficial goals and projects. Examples include PTO projects and enabling them to be classroom volunteers and administrative volunteers so that they can give you professional and technical support. Give them something to do within the program. Let them feel like they are making a difference and contributing to a greater good; let them feel that what they're doing is meaningful and purposeful.

Build trust through transparency.  Be transparent and consistent with core values. The source of most anxiety and stress is around trust.  They don't know if they can trust you, if you mean what you say and say what you mean, or if what you tell them at the beginning of the school year is actually true. A survey by BSM media showed that 85% of Millennial mothers want transparency. What does that mean? Be consistent. Everyone in the school and the program has to reiterate the same message of what you stand for and your values. Be responsive.  Provide personal attention. Be a professional every step of the way. I cannot go off the deep end. I cannot let you see when I'm frustrated or impatient. I need to have support and self-care for myself so that I can still maintain that professional stand. Mean what you say and say what you mean, so you might have to check in with yourself. Ask yourself, "Can I really do all the things that I hope to do?" 

#4 - Emphasis on Teamwork and May Not Want to Stand Out as Individuals 

This is not about solo success. This is about being part of a group and standing together with friends. Millennials may resist top-down management and authoritarian hierarchies. You will only meet with resistance and rebellion if you try a top-down approach. Create team projects and events that bring feelings of belongingness and togetherness. As I've said before, when you're truly collaborating, 1 + 1 = 3. I bring myself, I hear who you are, and what we create together is bigger than either one of us. The same thing applies in our classrooms; we're part of something bigger than ourselves.

How do we work with this characteristic? Create projects that create that sense of belonging and social value such as green projects, peace projects, garden to classroom, mind-body movement, mindfulness, and legacy projects. Let parents know they're making a difference and leaving behind something great. Pay it forward so that we're uniting for something better than ourselves.

#5 - Millennials Have Highly Pressured Lives 

Keep in mind how highly pressured lives are today. Millennial parents may want you to be flexible when they may need to renegotiate special arrangements. They might have to reschedule, and we have to become more flexible. They may have lost a sense of spontaneous play because they are overscheduled. They may feel like they can't miss out on something so they have to keep going to the next thing, and the next thing, etc. In terms of strategies, monitor your expectations. Make sure parents know what you are expecting of them. Chances are, if you haven't checked in, they do not. You want to know why they're not reading your emails? At the last conference I presented, I asked Millennials in the audience to stand up. I asked them how many unread emails were in their inbox, and the first one to answer said that she had 13,000 unread emails in her inbox. These parents will not check your emails. Be realistic and monitor their overcommitment. They want to say yes, so help them to manage. We are the best teachers when it comes to executive management and self-management. 

For continuous relationship building, identify their contributions, regardless of their circumstances. We know how to be strength-based. Make their contributions visible so that they can be proud of them and know that they matter. Create new norms for things like RSVPs. If you plan events and indicate they can only come if they RSVP, your events will fail. Be accommodating and flexible with late-comers, as well as with volunteers.

#6 - Millennials put a High Priority on Social Connectivity  

Also, Millennials are more in line with their parents' values than other generations. How many times do the parents in your schools speak to their parents - daily, hourly? Grandparents are also talking to their grandchildren frequently. Connectivity supports these beautiful relationships that are traditional, inclusive, and family-oriented.

Strategies to work with this characteristic include use of crowdsourcing, peer solidarity, and social sharing. Post things in social media that enable parents to share them. Win the respect of grandparents. They are an amazing ally for you. Social sharing is here to stay. Create visible, authentic social media that's consistent with your identity. If you are not comfortable with social media, find friends, peers, and people that are an inspiration in social media to help show you how to do it with your authentic voice.

Share relevant and meaningful content, but remember the 80/20 rule that social media should only be 20% about me, and 80% about you. Many schools put up Facebook posts that are not interactive and not participatory. It's overly managed. I want you to give parents that voice and choice so that they are part of the experience.

Find your social influencers. There are people using social media who love talking to their friends, and have more connections than you and I will ever have; those are your partners. They are your leaders and your allies. Work with these influencers so that they understand your program descriptions, school philosophy, goals, and values. Once they are onboard, you will have much more scope and volume.

Create relationships that minimize parents' need to vent publicly. We know that doctors who take time with relationships by listening to their patients, have less malpractice suits. You will have less public social media crises if you have good relationships. However, social media crises still happen. When it does, take time to regroup. Be responsive, be professional, and then just return to effective social media. It's not the end of the world. You can handle anything that's going on with social media.

The 100/0 Principle is very important. Here's where you find it on YouTube. This principle will change your life, it will change your relationships, and it will change how you interact. Step 1 in the 100/0 Principle is demonstrating respect and kindness to the other person in the relationship, whether he or she deserves it or not. Certainly this is how we act professionally, like how we treat children in our classrooms. We're not nasty to the nasty kids; we know how to meet them where they are, with appropriateness, with boundaries, but with listening and kindness. Step 2 is do not expect anything in return - zero, zip, nada. The other person in the relationship will step up when they're ready.  If they're not ready, let it be. Step 3 is to be persistent with your graciousness. Often, we give up too soon. If it's not right, it's not finished. If it's not working, we're not done with that relationship. Here's what happens with the 100/0 Principle: When you take authentic responsibility, the other person changes to take responsibility as well and the 0 becomes 100, so we go from 100/0 to something closer to 100/100.  Check your judgement and your demands. Watch the 100/0 video and I promise you it will awaken in you the ability to do something that you did not know possible. I've been practicing this for years and it has never failed me.

Connecting with Millennials is On-Going and Emergent

Remember that these strategies are not a one time thing. It is ongoing and emergent. If it's not working for the parents, it's not working. If parents are not reading emails, change your communication. If parents are not taking the notes out of the backpacks, find a different solution. We are open-ended, resilient, collaborative problem-solvers and that is how we are teaching children to prepare them for 2040. We can do it. Identify the points of frustration as they're not going away. They are the ground for our problem solving. Begin the problem solving process, observe, listen, and start moving forward in a process. There isn't one way; there are many ways to move forward. Be wary of top-down solutions as they will be perceived as rigid and authoritarian. People will rebel, and may abandon you. You risk losing all respect and credibility. And finally, remember that 1 + 1 = 3. Collaboration is always greater and stronger than being told what to do. Consider parent priorities, parent concerns, and parent satisfaction. Once those are in our equation, we are changed by them and we are better educators for children as a reult. Educational communities have a unique opportunity because we are a community. We can create a safe haven for parents in a stressful, demanding, and very uncertain world. In creating that safe, kind, compassionate, empathetic place with all of our social and emotional values, we create more authentic experiences for our children and ourselves - teaching, loving, playing, learning, and growing.

In Your Hands

I want to share with you a concluding activity called In Your Hands. You have permission to use this activity in parent-teacher school nights, so that you can do it with parents. When I speak at conferences, I will do this activity with attendees.

I have everyone pick a partner and stand up. Each person criss-crosses their hands, and holds hands with his or her partner. Then, I walk around and lay a piece of paper on top of the hands. I use different types of paper - multi-colored paper, card stock, and ripped papers. Each paper represents a different child. I tell each pair of partners, "You are the parent, you are the teacher, here is your child (the paper)." I walk through the room and say this to each pair of partners. The group waits for me to finish with each pair of partners. Then, I say, "In your hands is the life of a child. If either of you pushes too hard or pulls too much, you lose this child. This child needs both of you to work together, to listen to each other, to build a foundation that will support a lifetime of learning. It takes both of you to make this connection. Hold tight, but not too tight. The smallest breeze can blow you off course. Be ready to shift your hold at any time. Sometimes you must adapt to each other. Be ready to compensate for one another's weaknesses. This child needs both of you, as you are, right now. Take this openness and this flexibility with you. Listen carefully with your heart and remember this child. Work together for his future, for her future."