Reflective Practice as Your Superpower: Coaching From the Recipient’s Perspective

Editor’s note: This text-based course is an edited transcript of the webinar Reflective Practice as Your Superpower: Coaching From the Recipient’s Perspective, presented by Kati Vaughn, MA.

Learning Outcomes

After this course, participants will be able to:

• summarize the benefits of reflective practice.
• articulate the five languages of appreciation.
• plan for coaching conversations that do not go as expected or hoped.

Introduction

I'm particularly enthusiastic about this content because much of my work revolves around supporting coaching practices. I aim to empower coaches to excel in their roles promptly. I believe this material holds significant value in aiding not only you but also educators and anyone involved in coaching or managerial relationships to optimize their interactions, fostering productivity and success in the workplace. Hence, I'm genuinely excited about the next hour.

This course isn't a passive learning experience. A handout is available for your reference to facilitate our vision-setting exercise. Additionally, I urge you to keep a notebook handy, as we'll engage in some planning before our session concludes. So, prepare to dedicate this time to yourself, your learning, and your growth. Consider this hour as a valuable opportunity for personal and professional development.

Regarding learning outcomes, here's what I aspire for all of you. I aim for you to leave today equipped to outline the advantages of reflective practice succinctly. By "reflective practice," I simply mean taking responsibility for the learning that occurs within the coach or manager relationship you envision or currently participate in.

Furthermore, I hope that you'll be able to articulate the five languages of appreciation. You may be familiar with the concept of love languages; this is essentially an adaptation of how we express care and appreciation within the workplace. Lastly, I recognize that coaching conversations don't always unfold as anticipated. Therefore, before we conclude, we'll allocate some time to devise a plan for situations where coaching feels disconnected, overly personal, or judgmental, which can occasionally arise, or when coaching is nonexistent.

Allow me to share a bit about myself. My professional background is rooted in early childhood education. Initially, I served as a Head Start teacher. Subsequently, I transitioned into a coaching role, where I provided support to early childhood and elementary teachers for a span of eight years. During this time, I observed a concerning trend of teachers leaving the classroom due to mental health reasons. This prompted me to pivot my focus towards reshaping perspectives on teacher self-care, retention, and the sustainability of the profession in the long term.

For those who have previously participated in my courses, I hope my unwavering passion and dedication to nurturing our educators shine through. For those who are new to my work, one of the courses I offer is titled "Thriving Teachers, Thriving Centers." Additionally, we've developed a coaching series based on this course, tailored for coaches or managers seeking to adopt a more person-centered approach in their practice. This is what brings me here today.

Regarding the agenda for the next hour, I want to reiterate what I mentioned earlier: this time is dedicated to you. I understand the demands you face, especially in light of the pandemic and the multitude of roles you likely juggle at work. When do you ever find the opportunity to reflect on your well-being and identify what truly matters in your current role? Hence, we'll take a moment to pause, introspect, and outline our vision for success. What goals are we striving for? What impact do we envision making? And how does this inform our current journey through coaching or management?

Following that, we'll delve into identifying your needs within a coaching or managerial relationship and strategizing how to advocate for them. This includes considerations such as communication and coaching styles. How can you ensure that the relationship serves your best interests? Finally, as mentioned earlier, we'll set aside some time to prepare for those inevitable conversations that don't unfold as anticipated. That's how we'll be spending our time together.

Vision Setting

The first step is to cultivate a mindset where you recognize that you're at the helm. You deserve coaching that aligns with your needs, preferences, and goals, both personally and professionally. However, it's essential to acknowledge that not every coach or manager will be a perfect match. It requires an active decision to acknowledge that you're entrusting your professional growth and learning to someone. You should expect nothing less than a coaching relationship that fulfills your potential.

To kickstart this process, we'll begin by establishing your vision. You may have engaged in some form of strategic planning in the past, where goals are mapped out and metrics are identified. Yet, your vision should resonate on a personal level. It should serve as a compass during moments of uncertainty or stress, guiding you when decisions seem daunting, or clarity is lacking. Your vision, reflecting your core values and identity, should keep you focused on your desired direction.

Once you've articulated your vision through words, images, or any medium that feels authentic to you, you'll find it easier to convey it to others. Think of your vision as your "North Star." A compelling vision keeps you on track during times of uncertainty or stress. It motivates those around you and inspires them to rally behind your leadership. It helps you stay on fire and fueled up at work. Consider moments when you've been moved by someone's vision or mission statement; it's impactful and can ignite action. Thus, through this exercise, I hope that you'll gain clarity on your identity and purpose, and your vision will serve as a source of motivation to energize you in your professional endeavors.

Since I often collaborate with teachers facing challenges or teetering on the edge of burnout, we must reconnect with our guiding star. Doing so can reignite our enthusiasm, realign our focus, and reignite the passion that underpins our work—a calling for many of us, transcending mere employment. Serving children, families, and communities is profoundly rewarding but demands significant emotional investment.

This exercise delves deeper than everyday metrics and goals; it taps into the essence of why we do what we do. I hope you find value in it. Please retrieve your vision handout—it should look like the one in Figure 1.

Figure 1. Example of a completed vision handout.

Whenever I guide others through this experience, I also engage in the exercise myself to refresh my perspective. As I reflect in 2024, marking the fifth or sixth year of my commitment to the Stay the Course initiative and supporting educators nationwide, I'm reminded of the importance of practicing what I preach. Therefore, let's begin by considering our "why." Why are you here? In my case, why do I coach? While some may dismiss this initial inquiry as overly simplistic, I believe it serves as a foundational step, grounding us in what truly matters.

For me, coaching is fundamentally about children. I'm driven by the belief that every child deserves a classroom experience that is both joyful and rigorous, inclusive and enriching. I recognize that this goal is achieved through empowering teachers. My role as a coach is to center my efforts on supporting teachers as individuals. They deserve an ally, a steadfast support system, whatever it takes to enable them to excel and persevere in their profession. When I envision the impact I aspire to have at the student level, it's simple yet profound—I want children to feel loved, safe, and smart. Achieving this necessitates teachers feeling supported, challenged, and valued—recognized for their invaluable role in shaping young lives.

Each educator brings unique gifts and strengths to the classroom—a notion that resonates deeply with me. In considering how my own strengths and core values manifest within this vision, I reflect on my personal strengths. Through exercises like StrengthsFinder, which I've revisited multiple times, I've consistently identified empathy, harmony, and developer as my top three strengths. I aspire to leverage these qualities to create a space where educators feel heard and supported, free from judgment, where we can infuse our work with joy and fun and camaraderie while charting a course toward success for each individual.

My values center on equity and strengths-based leadership and learning. Rather than solely focusing on areas for improvement or deficits, I advocate embracing our strengths and leveraging them to effectively address challenges and bridge gaps.

Lastly, I consider who can provide support and hold me accountable in my journey. It involves seeking allies in the workplace who understand my vision, aspirations, and the significance of staying grounded in what truly matters. This could be a manager, a colleague, or perhaps a partner or family member who is a steadfast support system, reminding me of my purpose and driving force.

I can't help but chuckle at my initial goal of reading a book a month to continually enhance my coaching practice—an ambitious goal with a 13-month-old in tow. Yet, revisiting this vision and sharing it with you reaffirms its importance to my professional growth and underscores the significance of striving for continuous improvement, even amidst life's unexpected twists and turns.

Reflect

Take a moment to pause and engage in this exercise for yourself. Reflect on your personal "why." What drives and inspires you in your work? Why are you there? Consider the impact you aspire to have—the difference you dream of making in your role. How do your strengths and core values shape your approach and contribute to achieving this impact? Finally, identify those who can support you and hold you accountable along your journey, whether they're colleagues, managers, or individuals in your personal life. Feel free to take all the time you need to craft your vision.

Welcome back. By now, you should have something tangible—whether it's written words, images, a word cloud, or bullet points—that encapsulates your vision. This artifact should constantly remind you of your personal "why" and what fuels your motivation. You can keep it on your desk, hang it on your wall, or share it with colleagues—a tangible representation of your purpose and drive.

The significance of this exercise lies in having a coach or manager who is there to support you in achieving that vision. Reflecting on my own experiences with coaches, I've encountered a range from good to great. In my view, what distinguishes a great coach boils down to two key factors.

Firstly, they provide the validation and affirmation necessary for you to feel successful at work. This portion of our session will focus on ensuring your coach understands your needs and preferences for receiving validation and affirmation—how you feel recognized and acknowledged as an individual.

Secondly, great coaches excel in providing feedback. They strike a balance between challenge and support, recognizing that continuous improvement is essential for all of us. I'm confident that everyone participating in this course aspires to excel in their roles, and that's precisely what coaches and managers are there to facilitate.

Languages of Appreciation

Let's delve into the concept of languages of appreciation. In the late 1990s or early 2000s, a study known as the "seven cultural dimensions" shed light on how individuals from different countries and cultures navigate conflict, express emotion, and communicate during times of stress or challenge. Researchers distributed questionnaires to workers and managers across 46 countries to understand the variances in communication styles informed by cultural backgrounds.

The way we communicate matters. It's essential to recognize that our identities and cultural backgrounds heavily influence how we communicate in the workplace. Culture (our values, lived experiences, what was taught or is reinforced) plays an important role in how we give and receive feedback. Consequently, there can be discrepancies in how appreciation is expressed and received. Your coach or manager may genuinely believe they are demonstrating appreciation, validation, or celebration, but it may not align with your needs or preferences. Thus, it becomes crucial to bridge these differences effectively.

Languages of appreciation offer a valuable framework for managing up—articulating how you feel valued and appreciated in the workplace. Managing up is essential to getting what we need from work relationships, especially coaching. While similar to love languages, they are approached slightly differently in professional contexts, hence the slight name variation. This framework provides a lens through which individuals can communicate their needs for recognition and appreciation, fostering a more harmonious and supportive work environment.

Let's discuss the five languages of appreciation: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and physical touch. While gifts and physical touch can be less common in professional settings, they still play a role in how appreciation is expressed. Coaches or managers may utilize these languages based on their strengths or what they perceive you need. Understanding these languages can help you communicate your preferences and ensure appreciation is conveyed effectively at work.

Acts of Service

A coach or manager who prioritizes acts of service demonstrates a keen awareness of your needs. They go beyond mere words and offer tangible assistance to ease your workload and support you effectively. This might involve taking on tasks to lighten your burden, such as designing a lesson plan, assisting with surveys, or tackling administrative duties like copying or filing. Additionally, they may take the initiative to improve your environment, whether it's tidying up your office space or handling logistical aspects of upcoming events or deadlines. If acts of service resonate with you, it's essential to communicate this preference to your coach or manager and advocate for this language of appreciation in your interactions.

Words of Affirmation

The second language of appreciation is words of affirmation. Depending on individual preferences, this could entail a personal thank you or public recognition. While some thrive on public acknowledgment, others prefer more private forms of appreciation, such as an email or a thank-you note.

The challenge lies in providing meaningful and specific feedback rather than generic praise. This is where what I call the "good job challenge" comes into play. Instead of using vague terms like "good job," offering individualized feedback that connects behaviors to outcomes is essential. For example, acknowledging the impact of specific actions and tying them to tangible results fosters authenticity and validation. One example is, "When you did X, Y happened." When you gave direct feedback to this teacher, they felt a greater sense of trust towards you.

Furthermore, words of affirmation can involve helping individuals recognize their strengths and contributions, such as empathetic listening skills. When questions or concerns arise, effective coaches or managers validate these feelings instead of dismissing them, fostering open communication and trust. In summary, words of affirmation in a coaching or managerial relationship encompass various forms of acknowledgment and validation tailored to individual preferences and needs.

Quality Time

The third language of appreciation is quality time, which is exactly as it sounds—dedicated and protected time spent together. When scheduled meetings are canceled or postponed, or when interactions are deprioritized, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, a lack of trust, and a sense of inconsistency in the relationship.

Just as secure attachment between children and caregivers is vital for healthy development, consistency, and predictability in professional relationships are crucial for building trust and fostering a sense of security. It's essential to prioritize and honor dedicated time for connection and collaboration. This could involve setting aside a few minutes at the beginning of meetings to check in personally, inquire about each other's well-being, or discuss non-work-related topics.

Acknowledging and valuing each other's lives outside of work, even briefly, communicates a sense of respect and appreciation for the individual beyond their professional role. While allocating a significant portion of meeting time to personal matters is unnecessary, even a brief exchange demonstrates the importance of quality time and connection.

Moreover, being fully present and attentive during interactions is key to showing respect and engagement. Avoiding distractions such as checking phones or responding to emails during meetings signals a commitment to giving undivided attention and actively listening, which fosters a sense of appreciation and mutual respect in the relationship. As we progress through these different languages of appreciation, you might find yourself resonating with the idea of quality time. Perhaps you recognize that it's something you crave and genuinely need from your coach or manager.

Gifts

A note on gifts and physical touch: While small gestures like treating someone to Starbucks or bringing in their favorite snack can certainly brighten their day, it's essential to be mindful of the limitations when money is involved. Relying solely on gifts may not be the most sustainable way for a coach or manager to express appreciation and validation. If gifts resonate with you, consider exploring other languages of appreciation that align with your values and preferences.

Physical Touch

Additionally, it's crucial to recognize that physical contact, such as hugs or high-fives, may not be universally welcomed in the workplace. Not everyone is comfortable with physical touch, especially in a professional setting. Therefore, respecting individual boundaries and always seeking permission before initiating physical contact is important. Knowing your colleagues' comfort levels and preferences is key to fostering a respectful and inclusive work environment.

Reflect

In just a moment, I'll ask you to take some time to reflect and plan. Consider your language of appreciation at work and how your coach or manager can support you in feeling validated, supported, and seen. Consider the upcoming conversation with your coach or manager and how you can effectively communicate your preferences.

To illustrate, I'll share my own reflections. Upon reflection, I realize that my primary languages of appreciation are quality time and words of affirmation. For me, quality time means my coach or manager taking the time to discuss my professional goals, explore the bigger picture, and help me develop a growth plan. When communicating these preferences, I would keep it simple, expressing my appreciation for the opportunity to pause, reflect, and strategize for success.

Now, I encourage you to grab your notebook or flip over your handout, and jot down your thoughts. Consider how your coach or manager can support you in alignment with your preferred language of appreciation, and prepare some talking points for your upcoming conversation. Take your time, and when you're ready, let's continue.

Welcome back. We've just taken some time to reflect on how coaches and managers can play a crucial role in providing validation and support in the workplace. I've shared insights into my work concerning teacher retention and sustainability in the profession, emphasizing the importance of helping individuals feel validated and successful in their roles.

The languages of appreciation are valuable tools for enhancing your coach or manager relationship. By understanding and communicating your preferences, you can ensure that you receive the validation and satisfaction you need to thrive in the long term.

Advocating for Your Needs

The next aspect we'll delve into is discovering challenge and purpose in our work. This involves assessing whether we feel a sense of growth and development and whether our efforts are invested in helping us excel in our roles. I'll present two frameworks or approaches to consider when seeking challenge and purpose at work.

Firstly, for a coach or manager to effectively support you in achieving your professional goals and vision for impact, they must truly listen. Genuine, empathetic listening is key to understanding your needs and aspirations. However, it's essential to recognize when someone isn't fully engaged in listening or when empathy blockers hinder effective communication. Therefore, as a coach or manager, listening actively and empathetically to comprehend your needs is crucial.

Empathy Blockers

Empathy blockers are often inadvertent behaviors that can inadvertently distract from or diminish someone's feelings or experiences. As we explore these blockers, pay attention to instances where your coach or manager may exhibit them. By recognizing these behaviors, you can advocate for your needs and communicate what you require instead.

• Discounting        
  • “You are being sensitive. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you.”
• Moving on
  • “Let’s switch gears now and talk about our goal for today…”
• Fixing
  • “Did you try this? Why don’t you try that?”
• Interrogating
  • “When did this begin? Who was involved?”
• Stealing the thunder
  • “That happened to me once, and…”
• Silver-lining
  • “At least you HAVE a job!”

The most common empathy blockers include discounting, where someone downplays your feelings or experiences by saying things like, "You're being sensitive" or "I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you." Another blocker is moving on too quickly, where coaches or managers swiftly shift focus without acknowledging or reflecting on what you've shared. They may run through their agenda without acknowledging or paraphrasing what they hear. 

Another trap is fixing, where the urge to offer solutions overrides the need for empathetic listening. Sometimes, individuals just need to be heard rather than offered solutions immediately. The "It's not about the nail" video humorously portrays a couple, presumably a husband and wife, where the woman expresses frustration about having a nail in her forehead. Despite her complaint, the man suggests removing the nail, focusing solely on the practical solution. However, the woman insists that she simply needs him to listen and acknowledge her feelings, emphasizing that she wants empathy rather than immediate problem-solving.

Interrogating occurs when a coach or manager bombards you with questions without truly listening to your responses or delving deeper into your concerns. Lastly, stealing the thunder happens when someone unintentionally shifts the focus of the conversation to themselves. They may say, "Let me tell you about when that happened to me." We often don't realize it, but in our efforts to empathize, we can inadvertently shift the focus to ourselves, unintentionally overshadowing the person we're listening to and minimizing their feelings or experiences.

Finally, the silver lining empathy blocker involves phrases like "at least," which aim to find a positive aspect in a challenging situation. For example, if someone expresses difficulties with their job or a colleague, responding with "at least you have a job" or "at least you have a co-teacher" can unintentionally minimize their concerns and needs. It overlooks the importance of acknowledging and addressing the underlying issues being communicated at that moment.

Reflect

As you reflect on this list of empathy blockers, you might recognize instances where you've engaged in these behaviors or where your coach or manager has done so, leaving you feeling unheard or deprioritized. It's essential to acknowledge the feelings that arise from these experiences.

The next time you encounter an empathy blocker, view it as an opportunity to advocate for your needs. It's perfectly acceptable to express, "I don't need a solution right now; I just need to feel heard." Take a moment to assess whether you require assistance or simply need validation. If you do need help, be direct about what you need. Otherwise, communicate that you need a listening ear.

In my coaching practice, I often ask clients if they need a solution or just need to vent, as this helps me understand their needs better. I encourage you to incorporate these pause moments into your interactions, allowing you to navigate difficult situations effectively. You can ensure that your concerns are acknowledged and addressed by addressing empathy blockers and clearly communicating your needs.

Radical Candor

The framework of radical candor, as outlined by Kim Scott in her book, offers a valuable perspective on fostering open communication in the workplace. It emphasizes the importance of caring personally and challenging directly in interactions between coaches or managers and their team members. I often refer to this when working with teachers and coaches because it promotes healthy habits related to direct and open communication at work.

Figure 2. Radical candor showing the intersection of caring personally and challenging directly.

At the intersection of caring personally and challenging directly lies radical candor, as seen in Figure 2. This is where genuine concern for the individual is combined with honest and direct feedback. However, when someone cares deeply but fails to challenge directly, they may fall into the category of ruinous empathy. In this scenario, the individual may offer support and encouragement but overlook opportunities for growth and improvement.

Conversely, manipulative insincerity occurs when someone challenges directly without demonstrating genuine care for the individual. That person says, "How are you?" but isn't really listening because they're trying to get to the agenda. This approach lacks empathy and can come across as dismissive or harsh.

Obnoxious aggression involves neither caring personally nor challenging directly. Individuals exhibiting obnoxious aggression may resort to harsh criticism or judgment without considering the impact on others.  

Reflecting on my own experiences, I've encountered both ends of the radical candor spectrum. While some coaches or managers have effectively demonstrated radical candor, others have leaned towards ruinous empathy or manipulative insincerity. Recognizing these dynamics can help foster healthier communication and growth within professional relationships. 

The first manager who demonstrated radical candor with me stands out as one of the best I've had. During my early days as a coach, she pulled me aside after facilitating a professional development session and delivered some tough feedback. She didn't sugarcoat it or beat around the bush; she directly addressed the issues she observed, even though it was uncomfortable. However, she didn't just leave it there. She made sure to offer support and assistance to help me improve. When I returned to the group the next day, I felt motivated to do better, knowing that she genuinely cared about my growth and development.

On the other hand, I've also encountered managers who fell somewhere between ruinous empathy and manipulative insincerity. One manager attempted to provide feedback, but it felt like he was tip-toeing around the issue, perhaps out of a misguided attempt to show empathy. However, the lack of directness made it difficult for me to understand his point, and I felt unsure and distrustful of his intentions. It felt manipulative, leading to a breach of trust where I didn't feel he had my back. I think he was trying to show care personally, but it was mismatched with what I needed.

By sharing these examples, I aim to illustrate the importance of radical candor in fostering growth and development. It's not always easy to receive direct feedback, but it can be incredibly valuable for personal and professional improvement when delivered with genuine care and concern. Recognizing where your coach or manager falls on the radical candor spectrum can help you advocate for the kind of feedback and support you need to thrive.

To hold your coach or manager accountable for showing care in a way that feels authentic to you, it's essential to communicate your needs openly and directly. You can start by asking for specific feedback or clarification on their observations. For example, you might say, "Can you give me some feedback on what you saw in my classroom today?" or "What do you mean by this?" This encourages transparency and demonstrates your willingness to engage in constructive dialogue.

Reflecting on past experiences can also guide your approach. If you find yourself in a situation where feedback feels unclear or inadequate, don't hesitate to push for clarity. For instance, you could ask, "What are you trying to say?" or "What feedback do I need to hear right now?" Directly addressing your coach or manager's communication style can help ensure that your needs are met effectively.

Additionally, familiarizing yourself with frameworks like radical candor can provide valuable insight into fostering open communication and accountability in coaching relationships. By understanding the principles of radical candor and advocating for its application in your interactions, you can create a supportive environment conducive to growth and development.

Planning for Your Next Coaching Conversation

As you prepare for your next coaching conversation, consider these four prompts to guide your planning:

1. Identify your biggest need at the moment.
2. Explain why this topic is pertinent and timely.
3. Determine how your coach can best support you in addressing this need.
4. Acknowledge any potential blind spots and invite your coach to share their perspective.

By approaching your coaching conversations with intentionality and a commitment to open communication, you can cultivate a productive and fulfilling coaching relationship that aligns with your professional growth objectives.

I'm currently collaborating with a teacher who is facing a significant challenge: the lack of coaching support in her classroom. Despite being in February, no one has visited her classroom yet. In our conversations, I've endeavored to assist her by discussing strategies for managing upwards and helping her articulate her needs.

Her primary concern is the absence of coaching support. As a special education elementary teacher in her second year of teaching, she requires someone to provide support, offer feedback, and model effective teaching practices. This urgent need impacts her job satisfaction, especially considering her fear of termination.

During one of our initial conversations, she expressed her concerns about her job security, feeling as though the lack of classroom visits was a sign of impending termination. This worry has led her to contemplate seeking alternative employment opportunities. It's crucial that she communicates these concerns with her coach or manager.

She has been specific about her needs, sharing her school day schedule and identifying the most challenging times when she requires support. However, we've also explored alternative forms of support beyond classroom observations. While valuable observations may not always align with the coach's schedule. Therefore, other options should be considered, such as monthly classroom visits coupled with focused lesson planning or data discussions.

Ultimately, it's essential for her coach or manager to understand her needs fully and explore all available avenues to provide the necessary support and guidance.

Reflect

Grab your notebook or handout and consider your most pressing need at the moment. Why is it important to discuss this topic with your coach or manager now? How can they best support you in addressing this need? Are there any aspects or perspectives you might be overlooking? Additionally, think about how you can encourage your coach or manager to share any additional feedback or insights that could enhance the conversation. Take your time to plan out these points.

Welcome back. Planning and preparation are crucial for effective coaching conversations. I hope taking this time to outline your goals was beneficial in ensuring you get the support you need from your coaching relationship. It's understandable how busy life can get, so investing in these moments of reflection can make a significant difference.

When Coaching Goes Wrong... How to F.I.X. It

Coaching doesn't always go beautifully. When coaching encounters rough patches where things aren't working for you, it's important to address them constructively. Here are some suggestions for navigating these situations.

• Note your feelings: What is coming to the surface?
• Use “I” statements; clarifying questions can also help you and your coach speak the same language.
• Examine the data: What do you know to be true?

Firstly, acknowledge your Feelings. Recognize what you're feeling and put it into words. There's brain science around assigning language to your feelings and helping to de-escalate the neurons that are firing in your brain. Before you speak up or that conversation may end, try naming your feelings to help calm your mind and provide clarity.

Next, use "I" statements to express your perspective. This fosters open communication and personal responsibility. Asking clarifying questions is also valuable. Use phrases like "I'm curious about..." to seek understanding and gather more information. For example, "I wonder where that data point came from," or, "I'm curious about where this feedback is coming from."

Lastly, eXamine the data. Data can be a powerful tool. Just as in teaching, data-driven insights can illuminate areas for improvement in coaching relationships. Data is critical in making progress toward our goals as classroom teachers. Ask your coach or manager about the data they're using to inform their feedback. Understanding the basis of their assessments can provide context and clarity to your discussions.

By employing these strategies, you can navigate challenges in coaching relationships effectively. These strategies help to maintain objectivity and professionalism in coaching relationships. You can mitigate biases and expectations by acknowledging emotions, expressing curiosity, and seeking clarification grounded in data. This approach focuses on the actual teaching practice or work at hand, promoting constructive dialogue and growth.

Closing Reflection

• Start: What is one thing you want to try? 
• Stop: What is one habit or mindset you will consciously work to change?
• Continue: What is one thing you want to do more consistently?

So, let's delve into some scenarios where coaching might feel irrelevant. As I mentioned earlier, you might suddenly feel blindsided, wondering, "Whoa, where did this come from?" This is a common example of coaching feeling irrelevant—when it catches you off guard, leaving you puzzled about its relevance. Another instance is when coaching isn't happening at all. Perhaps your coach is leaning heavily into ruinous empathy, failing to challenge you directly. Similar to my experience with the teacher, they might be absent from your classroom or show little interest in your work and its outcomes.

Additionally, coaching or feedback can sometimes feel personal. Remember when I discussed how individuals from various backgrounds, shaped by their upbringing and past experiences, interpret and give feedback differently? This variance in feedback reception can lead to situations where the feedback feels judgmental or overly personal, despite the coach or manager's good intentions.

To address these challenges, consider employing strategies such as noting your feelings, expressing curiosity, and asking clarifying questions. Grounding discussions in objective data can also help remove judgment and biases, allowing for a more constructive dialogue focused on your actual work or teaching practice.

Concluding our discussion, I often like to incorporate an exercise where participants reflect on what they want to start, stop, and continue. My hope is that you found something valuable in today's session that you're eager to try. Whether it's identifying empathy blockers, embracing radical candor with your coach or manager, or simply expressing appreciation for their efforts amidst their busy schedules, taking proactive steps can lead to more meaningful coaching interactions.

Also, consider what else you need from your coach or manager. Challenge the narrative that you're being selfish or a distraction by demanding what you need. You deserve their time and best leadership practice to achieve your goals.

Finally, regarding your coaching or manager relationship, think about something you're getting better at and want to do more consistently. For example, invite your coach or manager to have a constant feedback loop. Encourage them to ask, "Was this helpful?" This simple practice can open up channels of communication and help you advocate for your needs.

Similar to your vision, writing down your commitments can be motivating and help hold you accountable. Whether it's sharing with your coach and manager or keeping it at your desk, commit to actions that will help you achieve your goals and make the most of your coaching relationship.

Thank you for your time today. I hope this session was useful in empowering you to take ownership of your coaching or manager relationship and enhance your reflective practice. If you'd like to continue the conversation or explore how this connects to long-term sustainability and success at work, feel free to reach out via email.

Questions and Answers

What's the most effective approach for individuals receiving coaching to initiate a conversation with their coach about concerns or feedback they may have, especially if they feel hesitant or shy?

You don't have to feel pressure to totally change your coach or manager relationship overnight. If you're feeling a little anxious about it, start small. Try incorporating a simple ritual, such as having your manager ask, "Was this helpful?" after each check-in or expressing gratitude for helpful feedback. Start with one small change to move towards getting what you need.

Another important aspect, which I've emphasized before, is preparation and practice. Find a trusted colleague, a partner, or a family member who can serve as a sounding board. Share the talking points you want to discuss with your manager and express any concerns or nervousness you may have. Processing these thoughts beforehand will help you approach the conversation with clarity and confidence, even if it's just a small change in your coach or manager relationship. 

What if my coach or manager exhibits behaviors like empathy blockers, and it doesn't feel good? How can you comfortably address this directly or steer the conversation towards what you need?

If your coach is overly focused on providing solutions, you can use feelings language to slow the conversation. Say something like, "Hold on, I feel we're moving too quickly away from what I need to discuss with you. Let's take a moment to process verbally." This can help redirect the conversation back to where you need it to be.

When faced with an interrogation-style approach from your manager with multiple questions in a row, you can politely ask for some uninterrupted time to share your thoughts. Say, "Can I run through my thinking right now without interruption? I think it might help us come up with a plan." Direct communication is key here.

Dealing with "stealing the thunder" moments can be challenging, especially when the other person may not be aware of it. In such cases, you can acknowledge their experience but firmly redirect the conversation back to your needs. For example, "I understand your perspective, but what I need support with today is..." Being specific about your needs helps keep the focus on you.

These conversations aren't easy, and I want to acknowledge that. It can be intimidating, especially when there's a power dynamic with your coach or manager. However, you deserve to advocate for yourself and ensure that your coaching relationship meets your needs. This requires courage, practice, and preparation, but ultimately, it's about recognizing that you deserve to have your concerns addressed and your needs met.

References

Chapman, G. D., & White, P. E. (2011). The 5 languages of appreciation in the workplace: Empowering organizations by encouraging people (Rev. and updated ed.). Northfield Publishing.

Dennison, M. (2020). Crafting the Self: How participating in coaching conversations can shape a recipient’s learning (Doctoral dissertation, University of Bradford).

Headley, J. (2013, May 22). It's not about the nail [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=qGBl2L_Pahdj3qxI

Thompson, S., & Thompson, N. (2023). The critically reflective practitioner. Bloomsbury Publishing.